once, i dreamed
everyone was bound by
no one could see them but i.
some were bound by doubt;
others, anxiety; still others, fear.
the chains wrapped around the soul, then extended
on the ground.
(though i did notice that some were unchained –
they were very few, and tended to create things.
there was fire in their eyes.)
even invisible chains make noise
(or so i thought – everyone either couldn’t hear them or pretended
the chains dragged and clanked
making the most terrible racket
and the noise was deafening –
then i awoke to find
it was never really a dream
I try to breathe, but I’m barely breathing,
I can’t think clearly; i can barely speak.
My mind is filled with needless thoughts.
My cheeks are red and feverish…
I know what i must do,
But i can’t bring myself to do it.
Instead i jump into a thousand distractions…
Mindlessly seeking the thrill of the ‘anything’,
I cringe at the progress of time on the clock.
And with lips gone dry from an internal hell-fire
I continue to evade what I cannot face.
I feel like I cannot feel again
The depth is gone The edge is gone
I’m emotionless and stoic
I’m static and white noise
I donot feel anymore
I’m dangerously numb,
All I do feel is anger burning holes in my skull
So full of words begging to be let out.
I’m so lost in my nest of decisions
I regret my flight and my freedom
I regret everything I did n didn’t do
These feelings are for me
And shall consume me
Till there are only bones and ashes
The hurt in my eyes is all that has to be saidSometimes I know I’m better off dead
The pain is the only thing I can feel
Knowing it’s the one thing that’s real
Behind all the games and lies
An emptiness haunts my eyes
A person who I used to be
Worse even though it wasn’t me
Sorrow consuming every thought
Slowly losing everything I’ve got
Darkness closing in all around
Still I don’t make a single sound
Evil fills the void inside
This life’s not one I’ll confide
However deeper someone tries to look
Whatever happens the ground has shook
The dread and hate leaves me in a daze
All around me demons fires blaze
Living isn’t worthwhile if its torture
Yet it’s that to which I’m not sure
Don’t try to understand the words written here
For I’m not the one to fear.
You live in hope and make plans for things in the hope that the rainy days will end, that the sunshine comes back out. You hold onto the eternal promises, day by day letting the burden of them unfold you. Yet you still keep going , perhaps as a ghost a shadow of who you used to be. Until you reach that moment, you look in the mirror and realise this is not me.
You look at the date and years have gone past in an instant, friends family all gone, the lines on your face the sadness in your eyes the only thing to mark that passage of moments and before it is too late those moments are gone from your mind to. So what keeps you going, what gets you up each morning – sadly routines the hope in your veins running thin and the life you once dreamt of slipping away depression suicidal thoughts all these things paving a way into your mind.
You sit alone crying, in a city full of people isolated burdened by your woes, unable to speak out or up. On the surface the life and soul, inside wilting like a flower, frozen under the snow unable to feel the light or sunshine that burns into everyone elses lives. So tell me what do you do, live in the hope or live in the moment to end it now or wonder what if.
A toss of the coin a fleeting thought, a moment lost in madness and this could all finish. But wait one moment, I am still here what does this mean? I do not know but I am tired of the empty tears, the lonely thoughts the same everyday and that regret and sense of loss, one day I will wake up and that coin will land the other way and there will be no more words left for me to say.