Relentless

I can’t help it.

The swirl of this insanity.

These stupid emotions.

Irrational and unwanted.

But I can’t leave them.

Try as I might,They follow me.

The storm cloud above me.

Constantly following,And constantly reminding.

No peace, no rest.

A constant swirl of emotions.

Jealousy,

Anger,

Hurt,

Sadness,

Loneliness,

Nostalgia,

Helplessness.

They won’t leave me alone.

The storm cloud above me.

Constantly raining down,Soaking me in this sadness.

Alone.

No sun to dry the rain.

Nothing to dispel this cloud.

Sickness,

Worry,

Anxiousness,

Despair,

Disappointment.

Ever worsening.

Never relenting.

Constant torture.

This Hell I’ve created.

Made by me for me.

Alone to handle the burden.

No escape.

No way out.

Alone.

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“Cheer up..”

I’ve heard so many people tell those who suffer depression to just ‘cheer up.’ I wonder if they can really believe that it’s that simple. 

Depression isn’t just sadness. It is emptiness, it is misery. It is pain and nothingness at once. When you are truly depressed you lack the ability or will to cheer yourself up. No one just ‘has depression.’ You suffer from it. This is depression:

You will wake at 5, 6, maybe 7am, feeling as though you had only just fallen asleep. It’s likely you did. If you don’t have to be somewhere, you could lie in bed for another 3 hours…too tired, too miserable and pathetic to crawl out of you bed. Or maybe you will sleep until 1pm, because it’s so much easier to sleep through most of the day than actually live it, and you’re so unbelievably tired anyway. You will push through the day, knowing that every hour will be a struggle and not knowing how you will feel tomorrow. People will ask what is wrong, and you will simply smile and say ‘nothing, I’m just tired.’ Yes you are tired. You are so tired of drifting through every day, with no will to actually live. But you simply smile, and they’ll believe you. It’s so much easier to lie anyway, and most of the time you can push away the guilt. Sometimes you might find a way out, temporary as it may be. You might write or draw or sing. Or you might cut, burn, binge, purge, drink, starve, scratch, pull, overdose…anything to take your mind away from the utter misery it seems to be so obsessed with. What you don’t know is that soon these acts will take over your thoughts. You will spend your days not only lost in the haze of depression, but your mind will be so consumed with these thoughts of escaping and self destruction that you think you could explode. You will see a series of lines, and think of the lovely scars you could make, where you will make them. Your mind will be permanently spinning with thoughts of this pain, and different ways you might destroy yourself or, more precisely, this monster inside you. But of course none of this will work. You will still spend your night alone, sitting and staring at nothing, completing mindless tasks as if they have some importance, as if you are really there. Be careful where you let your mind wander. Night time is the darkest time in depression. That’s when all the demons come out, when you become weaker. It is when you will hurt yourself simply to make the urges stop for 5 minutes. It is when you will spend hours crying or screaming for no reason other than the agony inside. You will shake and feel as though your whole body will cave in or explode. No one will understand. You do not have hospital beds, drips, bandages or needles to make people worry. To make them realize that this sad little girl is actually sick and needs help. Of course the depression will have destroyed any self esteem you might have had, so you’ll be too scared to ask for the help you need. You just go on, hoping someone will notice your slow, meticulous self-destruction. Don’t worry, it won’t always be so bad. Some days you might even feel stable. You might walk tall for one day, feeling a glint of hope that maybe one day things will get better, that things are getting better and you have the strength to fight. Then one small thing will go wrong, and you’ll fall apart all over again. You feel stupid for even considering that things could get better. 

Have you ever felt as though your whole body could just crumble any minute? Just crumble and fall apart, like it’s lost anything it had holding it together. That’s what it feel like all the time to be depressed. That raw fragility. It feels as though the smallest disruption in our life, or in your head, or in the world, could send everything spiraling downwards. And it can. The tiniest mistake can cause you to hate yourself more than you could possibly imagine. The smallest crack in your world can make it all seem pointless.
Depression destroys any resources you have. Any strength or courage you kept stored away for emergencies. So if the tiniest little storm hits, you are left to trying to survive the ravages of a cyclone without a life boat. It wears you down and even the smallest crack can seem like an earthquake and every minute is spent waiting for the next shake. And then one day, you will find yourself curled up on your bedroom floor, sobbing, because you can’t find anything to wear. Every little thing is just more proof of how worthless you are.

Eventually, you begin to expect it. You anticipate the bad times, because you know the good times are just fooling you. And they are filled with fear and anxiety over when everything will come crashing down again. You are always waiting for the next breakdown. You’ve become so accustomed to feeling miserable, that happiness is a foreign feeling that you won’t even let yourself experience. You don’t deserve it. So you become numb, which at times, is worse than the full-blown screaming and crying depressive ‘episodes.’ You find yourself begging to hurt again, or in my case begging to be used because any feeling is better than feeling nothing at all.

Depression is one of the cruelest of all illnesses. You see, it’s much easier to fight when you can see an end to it all. When you know that in the end you will either win or lose. But whatever the outcome, the war will be over. The thing about depression is it blurs your perception of the future and makes it near impossible to see that end. You start to think that there’s no such thing as ‘winning’ and why bother fighting if you already know the outcome. It gradually strips you of any hope you previously had. And without hope, it’s difficult to see a future or a reason to fight.

Do you care ?

Do you care?

Perhaps you say yes while staring me straight in the eyes….Or perhaps you try to avoid them as good as you can. 

Do you really care? Look around you, you can lie to me, and maybe also to yourself to a certain degree. You’ve got it okay with your family, with the little loan you have in the bank on your house, with your fancy car, and your neighbours….

But do you really care about your fellow human beings when it comes down to it?
About the old lady who comes by the shop every day, and buys the same little bag of sweets? 

Do you care about the fact that she goes home alone and sits down at the window and just stares out of it, living alone with her memories? Do you really care about the Christmases that she spends alone, while her children and grandchildren are too busy opening the presents she gave them instead of thinking about her or inviting her, she’s just sitting alone, without them spending a single minute thinking about her…

What about the young man with scars on both his body and in his soul, scars which he hides in shame, while he’s smiling and laughing, blends in with the others, and pretends he loves life? Do you really care to look a little bit deeper into his eyes which hides a sadness and a darkness so deep?

or..what about the husband who boards a plane, going on a business trip to Thailand? He gets off and checks into a hotel room with a bath tub of porcelain, while later that evening he ventures in through two shabby doors, walks up to a man in a shabby suit, and places some money in the mans hand…do you really care that he then walks into a room where there are 15 children between the ages of 6 and 12 standing, waiting, before he picks out a little boy or girl and takes them further into another dark room…?

Do you really care about that? You with all your things around you, you who have already too much to think about, keeping track of the bills and your own rebellious kids?

What about the people who die in Africa, from hunger , wars, aids, or from some experiment performed by the big medical companies from around the world? Think about it…after all, you never think of them, they are after all just Africans, they aren’t even people…

Think about what you see on the news..Angelina splits with hubby number 3  – you remember that better than the few pictures they sent out on tv after the horror in Syria. Do you even remember the bloating pieces of meat in the water that once held the soul of a human being, who once upon a time had been someones mother, father, lover, sister, brother, husband, wife, daughter, or son? 

The pictures that made you feel sick only for a little while until you got up and said “oh thats so horrible, but what can we do? I’ll go put dinner on, honey” then it was forgotten, just like that…

the children holding machine guns drugged on amfetamines were also forgotten,, the machine guns were sponsored by the big governements around the world, the men who wants more power, more money… the child who was forced to watch his parents being killed.. forgotten by the blink of an eye, when you zapped to another channel to watch episode 7624 of a just another Netflix show.

Do you really care?

Look around you, look at that brand new espresso machine, the new shoes you have.. and be honest, atleast with yourself… 

No you don’t really care, as long as everything looks ok in your house, with your family…as long as you have what you want, and as long as everyone else thinks you’re perfect, you dont really care about anything else…

And the starving people you see on tv, aren’t really humans to you, they’re moving pictures who doesnt exist in your world… 

The children you hear about that are sexually abused by men, perhaps your own husband…you don’t even really care about them, you only think of your own hurt ego, that he could do that to YOU, that he prefers them instead of you..your own hurt and pride…

or what about the young man with the dark eyes? No he’s ok you say, look at him, he’s laughing and smiling, he’s alright..

 Or what about the old lady who spends every christmas alone? No, she’s just a ghost, whom you perhaps feel a little indebted to because she gave birth to you, and you feel that you have to do something in return, like pay a young woman some money to keep her company, cause you are too busy to visit herself, so you see, dont feel guilty then, you do after all buy her some company…
no, you don’t really care, even though you might be convinced that you do..

.You don’t even really care about your own things, after all, you can just buy new ones if they break, and you care even far less about your fellow humans, cause hey, they have their own lives and they don’t really concern you…

Here you might sit, very convinced and indignified, that you do care, how does anyone else dare to say the oposite? You do care, cause after all, you do give atleast 5 pounds to the help-organisations once a year.