Devoid

No space around meStifling walls

Closing off my view

Numbing thoughts

Aching soul

Suffocating dreams
Memory stirs

Pain wells up

Trapping me again

Nowhere to go

But inside myself

Devoid of any aim
Too scared to move

Barriers raised

Hearts freedom restrained

Tentative

Withdrawing hand

Fear of hurt again
Thick breath and clouds

Within my head

Oppressive atmosphere

Numbing thoughts

Aching soul

Suffocating dream

Don’t think that you know me.. 

from my outpourings of need and desire.
All you see are the glimpses I show,
Don’t be blinded by my fire.
I am sometimes crude and base and blunt.
Sometimes a princess, sometimes a __.
I am stubborn and stilted and disjointed and shy.
I am hidden and cold and aloof and wry.
I am at my core a lover, a hidden romantic so sweet.
I am all the mistakes I’ve learned from and all the ones that I repeat.
I am not a fragile innocent little flower.
I am not without responsibility, not without power.
I am a submissive, strong and proud
I am often silent, sometimes loud.
I am a deviant, dark and twisted.
I am all the things I have explored and all the things I have resisted.
I am an explorer, curious and wide eyed.
I am all the tears I’ve held inside and all the ones I’ve cried.
I am forever changing, still learning, still growing.
I am wanton and plotting, controlling and knowing.
I am idle and frustrating, I’m ambitious and I’m driven.
I am all the things I have taken and all the things that I have given.
I am beautiful and I am flawed, I am well rounded yet neurotic.
I am a dreamer, silly and quixotic.
I am all the pain I have chosen and all the hurt that I have not.
I am all those things that I remember, all those I have forgot.
All you glimpse here is the odd page,
of the complex complicated book that is me,
So please don’t think you know, who I was and who I am and who I’m yet to be.
All you see are glimpses, of my thoughts and my desire.
They burn the brightest sometimes, but don’t be blinded by my fire.

Exist

I used to hold my own hand
And sing a lullaby into the darkness
To fall asleep

I’d lie on the floor and string chords together
And melancholy notes
Bit by bit

I think they all saw my blood
Splashed across that one cozy bedroom
And thought
Just maybe
They could force those lost molecules back into my

StretchingStrivingWinding
Multicolored veins

I knew we weren’t real all along
(Just rag dolls
Sloppily stitched together
Or some sort of
Hazy memory)

And if we did exist
Why would I feel so empty inside?

Final destination

There is a sickness inside me & no one can see it
It’s been there for years now

A lifetime, maybe
It grinds my bones down

Slowly

Until the only thing left

Is stardust and moonshine
Drink it down, baby

One shot

No hesitation

No going back

Knock it down

And feel your empty heart fill

And your broken soul soar
How high is Heaven…?

I’ll never know
It’s somewhere down there

Beneath me and my high flying dreams

Deep within the flesh of the Earth

Still baking in the womb of the world
But where is Hell then…?

You would have to ask me that

Because only devils like me

Know the way
Hell is a dark

Hollow place

Etched into the very essence of our being
We are Hell

We imprison ourselves

We condemn our sins

We repent

And repay

And regret

And remorse
And none of it makes any difference

Because you cannot be rid

Of the Hell that is inside you
No one can see that either

Only you and me, baby

Your eyes reveal my secrets

Mine cry your pain

And together we hold hands

And let go of control

And one more drink, for the road…!
The way to Hell

Is a lovely little path

Lined with good intentions

And all the damage they do

It’s a quick trip

It only takes a lifetime

It only takes your life…in time.

Pressure

 

I try to breathe, but I’m  barely breathing,

I can’t think clearly; i can barely speak.

My mind is filled with needless thoughts.

My cheeks are red and feverish…

 

I know what i must do,

But i can’t bring myself  to do it.

Instead i jump into a thousand distractions…

Mindlessly seeking the thrill of the ‘anything’,

I cringe at the progress of time on the clock.

And with lips gone dry from an internal hell-fire

I continue to evade what I cannot face.

 

Anxiety 

I’m silenced

An invisible, intangible gag in my mouth

A pit of self-consciousness I need to get out

I build up my courage and then it flies south

I’m afraid

Of what might pour out and smother you

I don’t wish to frighten with suggestions of two

But I’ve scared myself now with the conclusions I drew

I’m locked

In a miserable cage I built by myself

Along with true feelings I’m forced now to shelf

Alone with my words for you, feeling like filth

Still silenced

To this day, your presence keeps me at bay

Ready, always but always unable to say

Hoping I can one day will my anxiety away.