Angels & Constellations

There’s cracks in the bedroom ceiling. 

we looked up from our place on the ground as we slept on hard-wood floors

and claimed we could pin-point certain constellations

and we were dragging black crayons between the lines

because (for the first time) we wanted to prove something to ourselves.

We weren’t out of minds just yet.

we shifted the bed to the other side of the room

and moved the dresser in front of the window;

to block out memories of the outside and all the hurt we’d felt before.

we’d sweep up dust-angels and watch them follow our lungs down.

We weren’t ready to leave just yet.

incense would burn holes in our eyesight and fog our common sense

and we’d watch the smoke twist around our fingers all night long.

we were twirling and swirling and curling our toes

beneath the summer sun and glow of artificial light until we couldn’t feel a thing.

i don’t think we could support ourselves.

There’s cracks in the bedroom ceiling.

and you left behind a letter addressed to what you saw in me,

stained with howling winds and the wolves that hid in the shadows.

you said you missed the outside but you were lying and now you’re gone.

i threw stones at the door and cried all night;

now this is just another empty apartment.

i moved the bed again

but i still can’t stop waking up on the wrong side.

Unfinished, Maybe

I am so brittle, so fragile, so dismantled beyond repair.Everything i thought i was is lost without the safety of your abuse. I lusted for your passion, just a little of your anger. 

I never realized how easy it is to love with someone who will never love you back. The pain in your eyes and in my soul was the most secure i ever felt.

Pain is consistent… happiness is inconsistent… we fight to survive.

Your anger and your walls only kept giving me reason to keep trying.

I would keep reaching until the death of me.
But how could you discredit me? after all the suffering i threw away to make you smile, after all the smiles i glued together even after you ripped them away from me…

Even after the tears you forced out me on the nights when the stars used to shine.

I don’t look at the night anymore because i know- i know you’re living without me. i know that even though i’m miserable you’re still breathing.

I know that there will never be another moment like the screeching perfection of August. I know there will never be another of what I had. 

It’s not enough just to be angry. it’s not enough just to be broken. it’s not enough just to be foolish. it’s not enough just to be lonely.

Its only the constant, dull aching that reminds me i’m still clinging, still alive.