there’s a lot you can do with wordsbut sometimes i forget how to do any.
and sometimes i look at a keyboard
and see so many words that come together
from just some of those letters
and there’s so much to write
that i don’t write at all.
and sometimes i think
i drank deeply from the elixir of life
when i was too young
and when i drank i only drank the words
and i spilled them out in the morning
because the night was too silent to break it.
i wonder if the silence i’ve kept
is as big as the words i’ve written.
i’m not writing to be censored
it’s not like i do that to myself
when the words come rolling
and i don’t let them out,
when i’m running down the street
but don’t make a sound,
it’s not like i’m afraid to be loud.
i hope you can tell by the heat in my eyes
that my gaze turns steady as soon as i lie.
i hope you know that when i write
and my diction turns from eloquent and quaint
to fucking filthy and raging
that i’m finding myself,
even if that takes years off my life
by looking at my back in a mirror
instead of that look on his face.
and there is no one “his” in my verse,
there are dozens
and they all touched my heart-
some with love,
some with malice.
and it’s all i can do
to turn some of them into words
instead of scars in my soul and under my clothes
it takes a whole lot not to bleed.
actions cut deeper than words
but words have the barbed edges
that leave small shards.
there are memories etched in every line of your body.
there always will be.
some will fade from sight
and some will throb every time you look at it.
they say it gets easier, and maybe it does.
but from where i stand,
i think it only gets darker.
Now I feel Numb
Lost deep in this endless pain
It takes feeling really high
For me not to sink as low again
Something I use when I feel myself sliding
It takes me high but pushes me down lower than I was
I wish I could get off this roller coaster
My head is empty but my eyes are full
And to the point that I feel the rush
That silent cry when the tears fall and you can’t hold them back
That’s not happening though
I’m teetering on the edge of
A breakdown and trying to keep it together
I can feel them start to roll
That hopeless sting
When you can’t fight anymore
But I can’t even do that
I don’t care that I messed up
I don’t care if I stuff down the pain
That I feed the hurt
That I let myself be the victim instead of it..
Because he’s it to me
Every. Single. urge. is
I want that hopeless sting to roll down my face
That awful feeling of being so numb that the tears help
But you’re senseless.
You can’t feel it
You let them drip down your cheeks like a senseless train wreck
That noticing the wetness won’t change the empty shameless plug that can shut everything off in a second
And when you do feel it? You hit your knees because the tears are so heavy
And ending you
That feeling hits you so strong that guilt overwhelms every part of your mind that you don’t have anywhere to go
You have no idea what to do
Then it comes
And surrounds you and invades all the empty space
It wants to wreak you
Hold you down and force the air out
Begs for some ground to smother you in the never ending thoughts