Untitled.

My breaths are shallow 
& i swallow the whimpers like
Water; too hastily, as if i’d been trapped in a desert all year
But you asked me to keep breathing
& we both know i want to do just that
It’s just sometimes 
What i have to do to survive, is too damaging too.

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Between life and death

again and again on my knees

broken by those who should help me stand

not sad nor happy in this life

forgotten

 

fallen

 

and getting up

again

again and again

every time

after every fall

more determined to keep standing

more desperate to avoid another

fall

 

depression doesn´t hurt

it´s beyond limits of sadness

beyond any other feeling known by mam

 

why?

being alive is too hard

there are easier ways around

 

why to stand up after fall?

 

standing

stubbornly holding on worthless things

patiently crying when no one hears

broken pieces glued together

by what?

 

life

 

effort testing limits of strength

buying time to find more will

forgetting to smile

what did it feel like

for the last time?

 

and again

 

falling

Anxiety

There is a freight train inside my ribcage
And it pounds at the walls
Shredding my dignity to pieces
This anxiety is scratching the chalk boards
Peeling away at the rooftops
It never leaves me alone
I am left with spider webs on my tongue
One bullet for one mind
A one way ticket to the unknown
Tonight I pray to a God I don’t know I believe in
For some type of relief
To help my soul from melting.

Self oppression

once, i dreamed

everyone was bound by

invisible chains.

no one could see them but i.

some were bound by doubt;

others, anxiety; still others, fear.

the chains wrapped around the soul, then extended

and dragged

on the ground.

(though i did notice that some were unchained –

they were very few, and tended to create things.

there was fire in their eyes.)

even invisible chains make noise

(or so i thought – everyone either couldn’t hear them or pretended

not to).

the chains dragged and clanked

making the most terrible racket

and the noise was deafening –

then i awoke to find

it was never really a dream

at all.

Free

There’s been a film
Collecting on my bones

The way poetry seems to,

The way love condenses

And spills over;
Unnecessary. 
I’ve been learning to live alone,

Enveloping myself in the 

Emptiness like a moth-eaten quilt

At midnight.
It is safe here,

With the memories

Tucked away, but

I am done with this

Shrapnel,

I am not broken anymore

And I have no intention

Of pleasing you. 
You can break my bones before 

I’ll surrender,

‘Cause I know this ache

This tar of my bloodstream;

Molten flecks of my memories, 

The pieces of you 

I couldn’t stand to keep 

I know this sorrow and I reject it

And this is the monster you’ve been left with:

A girl who will not succumb

To sadness,

Who is no one’s but her own

And belongs to nothing

But her dreams.
And for the first time,

I feel invincible.

Make me forget 

(Laying myself bare)

You almost made me forget, love.

You almost made me forget the hurt; the pain; the sorrow.

You almost made me forget about the emptiness:

 You almost made me forget his name.

You almost gave me hope;

You almost made me think that I might be whole again;

                                    Someday

 You almost gave me hope that I can be fixed, 

 You almost made me think that maybe,

 I could fall in love again.

 You gave me hope that maybe; I really wasn’t this

                               B-R/O-K/E-N

You almost made my heart beat faster,

You almost made me really smile, 

You almost made me want to let you in;

You almost made me want to be with you;

You almost made me think I could be happy.

You almost made me forget, sir.

You almost made me forget that he and I ever happened.

You almost made me forget his face & his eyes; the color of deep emeralds.

You almost made me forget the way he kissed me,

You almost made me forget the way his savagery felt.

You almost made me forget.

                                      {Why couldn’t you make me forget?}

You almost gave me hope that I was strong,

You almost made me think that I had enough left to make it through,

                                   You almost gave me hope.

  You almost made me think you could heal me,

  You almost made me wanna try and make it work with you,

  You almost became my light;

  You almost became something to keep me together.

  You almost kept me from falling apart.

  You almost made me forget.

Sir, I want to forget.

I want to forget they way he looked at me with his dark forest eyes.

                        I want to forget his taste,

                        I want to forget his face

                        I want to forget the way he said my pet;

                        I want to forget the way he said he loved me.

                        I want to forget he ever claimed to love me.

                        I want to forget his scent,

                        I want to forget the way his arms wrapped so tightly around my throat;

                        I want to forget the way it felt to have me fear him.

                        I want to forget.

                        {ithurtstoremember}

Please, sir, make me forget

{therestoomuchpaininthememories}

MAKE ME FORGET!

 Please;

 I don’t wanna remember.

These memories are haunting me,
But you keep the demons away,

So will you please stay?

You almost made me forget,

 You almost gave me hope

  You almost made me want you

& You could have succeeded in all these things but,

                               You left.

You left me alone for one short moment,

But it was long enough for the pain to come back,

& by the time you returned, I remembered everything.

You almost made me forget-

 I need to forget!

 
Sir, make me forget.

 Look at me with your summer-storm eyes,

 & be my summer rain in the dead of winter,

 Wash away my hurt, cleanse me.

  Drown everything out be the very existence of you, of me, of us.

I need to be held together,

So wrap me up in your arms and hold me close,

Don’t let go;

I don’t wanna fall apart tonight.

Hold me closely,

Let me heal in your protective embrace,

Let me forget,

Erase my pain with your words and whips.

I don’t know exactly where this is going 

All I know is that I need you, you make me forget the pain

& Right now, that’s exactly what I need,

Sir, please hold me, kiss me, tell me you care,

& Make me forget as only you ever can.

Anxiety 

I’m silenced

An invisible, intangible gag in my mouth

A pit of self-consciousness I need to get out

I build up my courage and then it flies south

I’m afraid

Of what might pour out and smother you

I don’t wish to frighten with suggestions of two

But I’ve scared myself now with the conclusions I drew

I’m locked

In a miserable cage I built by myself

Along with true feelings I’m forced now to shelf

Alone with my words for you, feeling like filth

Still silenced

To this day, your presence keeps me at bay

Ready, always but always unable to say

Hoping I can one day will my anxiety away.