Protected: For she was a sinner.

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Forgetting.

I’m pinned to the wall collecting dead skin cells from all the lovers you’ve pressed up against me.

I’m pinned to your forehead like a note your mother leaves when you take a nap.

I’m pinned to the door, swinging aimlessly in an abandoned house that’s going to fall apart soon.

I’m pinned to your lips, as they kiss the back of her hand.

I’m pinned to all these beautiful dreams of yours, that are sitting in a forgotten old cabinet in your study.

I’m pinned to every place you’ve been: Spain, Russia, France. Here.

I’m pinned to the underside of the coffee table you put your feet on while you watch TV.

I’m pinned to the insecurities you think about when you’re alone.

I’m pinned to that relationship you know you should fix, but don’t.

I’m pinned to your chest, like the girl in your bed last night was.

I’m pinned to the drops of sweat running down your neck, cold and distracting.

I’m pinned to all the lies you hate yourself for telling.

I’m pinned to your breath, your lungs, your throat, the top of your mouth.

I’m pinned to the music playing as you sleep.

I’m pinned to the moment when you think of me, and then push me away to the back of your mind.

Between life and death

again and again on my knees

broken by those who should help me stand

not sad nor happy in this life

forgotten

 

fallen

 

and getting up

again

again and again

every time

after every fall

more determined to keep standing

more desperate to avoid another

fall

 

depression doesn´t hurt

it´s beyond limits of sadness

beyond any other feeling known by mam

 

why?

being alive is too hard

there are easier ways around

 

why to stand up after fall?

 

standing

stubbornly holding on worthless things

patiently crying when no one hears

broken pieces glued together

by what?

 

life

 

effort testing limits of strength

buying time to find more will

forgetting to smile

what did it feel like

for the last time?

 

and again

 

falling

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry i let you down. I’m sorry that i failed you in every possible way. I’m sorry i left. I’m sorry that i did  the things i have done. I’m sorry that i look the way i do. I’m sorry for the way i speak. I’m sorry for my beliefs. I’m sorry for thinking i was standing up for myself but in reality i was just being argumentative bitch. I’m sorry i embarrassed you. I’m sorry that you wasted so much of your precious time on me. I’m sorry i’m so young and naive. I’m sorry that i made you feel old. I’m sorry that i couldn’t grow up enough. I’m sorry for being afraid. I’m sorry for not wanting to face the reality. I’m sorry i almost got the pup killed. I’m sorry i quit so much. I’m sorry i gave up on me. I’m sorry for trusting you. I’m sorry for expecting too much. I’m sorry for gaining weight. I’m sorry for thinking the past was the past. I’m sorry for being so damn stupid. I’m sorry i got too close. I’m sorry for liking my hair dark instead of blonde. I’m sorry that i am so independant. I’m sorry that friendship to me is most important. I’m sorry that i am on this site writing all these sorrys instead of saying them to those who they are directed at. I’m sorry that i thought it was okay to leave her behind. I’m sorry for all the trips i’ve taken. I’m sorry that i’ve thought so much about suicide and plan it all the time. I’m sorry that i have not yet taken my life. I’m sorry that i am in this limbo. I’m sorry i turned my back on God. I’m sorry for letting Him. I’m sorry for painting my fingernails red when you don’t like it. I’m sorry i stopped wearing skirts. I’m sorry that i didn’t answer your calls. I’m sorry for being so obsessed with the sheets. I’m sorry that i go quiet. I’m sorry that i wander too much. I’m sorry for watching Audrey instead of the news. I’m sorry for always being late. I’m sorry for losing my mind. I’m sorry that i am not good enough. I am sorry that i am me. I’m sorry for everything that makes me me. I’m sorry i couldn’t change enough – oh sorry i meant not at all.

I am so sorry.