Forgetting.

I’m pinned to the wall collecting dead skin cells from all the lovers you’ve pressed up against me.

I’m pinned to your forehead like a note your mother leaves when you take a nap.

I’m pinned to the door, swinging aimlessly in an abandoned house that’s going to fall apart soon.

I’m pinned to your lips, as they kiss the back of her hand.

I’m pinned to all these beautiful dreams of yours, that are sitting in a forgotten old cabinet in your study.

I’m pinned to every place you’ve been: Spain, Russia, France. Here.

I’m pinned to the underside of the coffee table you put your feet on while you watch TV.

I’m pinned to the insecurities you think about when you’re alone.

I’m pinned to that relationship you know you should fix, but don’t.

I’m pinned to your chest, like the girl in your bed last night was.

I’m pinned to the drops of sweat running down your neck, cold and distracting.

I’m pinned to all the lies you hate yourself for telling.

I’m pinned to your breath, your lungs, your throat, the top of your mouth.

I’m pinned to the music playing as you sleep.

I’m pinned to the moment when you think of me, and then push me away to the back of your mind.

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Twenty six

He was just one of 
those poetic nightmares
that made my words spill
down the pages.

you’re just one
of those poems
that won’t commit
suicide.

Self oppression

once, i dreamed

everyone was bound by

invisible chains.

no one could see them but i.

some were bound by doubt;

others, anxiety; still others, fear.

the chains wrapped around the soul, then extended

and dragged

on the ground.

(though i did notice that some were unchained –

they were very few, and tended to create things.

there was fire in their eyes.)

even invisible chains make noise

(or so i thought – everyone either couldn’t hear them or pretended

not to).

the chains dragged and clanked

making the most terrible racket

and the noise was deafening –

then i awoke to find

it was never really a dream

at all.

Angels & Constellations


There’s cracks in the bedroom ceiling. 

we looked up from our place on the ground as we slept on hard-wood floors

and claimed we could pin-point certain constellations

and we were dragging black crayons between the lines

because (for the first time) we wanted to prove something to ourselves.

We weren’t out of minds just yet.

we shifted the bed to the other side of the room

and moved the dresser in front of the window;

to block out memories of the outside and all the hurt we’d felt before.

we’d sweep up dust-angels and watch them follow our lungs down.

We weren’t ready to leave just yet.

incense would burn holes in our eyesight and fog our common sense

and we’d watch the smoke twist around our fingers all night long.

we were twirling and swirling and curling our toes

beneath the summer sun and glow of artificial light until we couldn’t feel a thing.

i don’t think we could support ourselves.

There’s cracks in the bedroom ceiling.

and you left behind a letter addressed to what you saw in me,

stained with howling winds and the wolves that hid in the shadows.

you said you missed the outside but you were lying and now you’re gone.

i threw stones at the door and cried all night;

now this is just another empty apartment.

i moved the bed again

but i still can’t stop waking up on the wrong side.

Bones & Ashes

I feel like I cannot feel again    

The depth is gone The edge is gone 

           I’m emotionless and stoic

   I’m static and white noise 

              I donot feel anymore 

     I’m dangerously numb,

All I do feel is anger burning holes in my skull

         So full of words begging to be let out.

   I’m so lost in my nest of decisions 

       I regret my flight and my freedom 

    I regret everything I did n didn’t do 

             These feelings are for me 

    And shall consume me 

           Till there are only bones and ashes

        

I don’t know what this is.

Now I feel Numb
Lost deep in this endless pain
It takes feeling really high

For me not to sink as low again

Something I use when I feel myself sliding
It takes me high but pushes me down lower than I was
I wish I could get off this roller coaster
My head is empty but my eyes are full

And to the point that I feel the rush
That silent cry when the tears fall and you can’t hold them back
That’s not happening though

I’m teetering on the edge of

A breakdown and trying to keep it together

I can feel them start to roll

That hopeless sting

When you can’t fight anymore
But I can’t even do that
I don’t care that I messed up

I don’t care if I stuff down the pain

That I feed the hurt

That I let myself be the victim instead of it..
Because he’s it to me

Every. Single. urge. is
I want that hopeless sting to roll down my face
That awful feeling of being so numb that the tears help
But you’re senseless.  
You can’t feel it
And instead
You let them drip down your cheeks like a senseless train wreck
That noticing the wetness won’t change the empty shameless plug that can shut everything off in a second
And when you do feel it? You hit your knees because the tears are so heavy
Crushing

Smothering

And ending you
That feeling hits you so strong that guilt overwhelms every part of your mind that you don’t have anywhere to go
You have no idea what to do
Then it comes
And surrounds you and invades all the empty space
It wants to wreak you

Break you

Hold you down and force the air out
Begs for some ground to smother you in the never ending thoughts

Titled.

The hurt in my eyes is all that has to be saidSometimes I know I’m better off dead

The pain is the only thing I can feel

Knowing it’s the one thing that’s real

Behind all the games and lies

An emptiness haunts my eyes

A person who I used to be

Worse even though it wasn’t me

Sorrow consuming every thought

Slowly losing everything I’ve got

Darkness closing in all around 

Still I don’t make a single sound

Evil fills the void inside

This life’s not one I’ll confide

However deeper someone tries to look

Whatever happens the ground has shook

The dread and hate leaves me in a daze

All around me demons fires blaze

Living isn’t worthwhile if its torture

Yet it’s that to which I’m not sure

Don’t try to understand the words written here

For I’m not the one to fear.