Untitled.

My breaths are shallow 
& i swallow the whimpers like
Water; too hastily, as if i’d been trapped in a desert all year
But you asked me to keep breathing
& we both know i want to do just that
It’s just sometimes 
What i have to do to survive, is too damaging too.

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Between life and death

again and again on my knees

broken by those who should help me stand

not sad nor happy in this life

forgotten

 

fallen

 

and getting up

again

again and again

every time

after every fall

more determined to keep standing

more desperate to avoid another

fall

 

depression doesn´t hurt

it´s beyond limits of sadness

beyond any other feeling known by mam

 

why?

being alive is too hard

there are easier ways around

 

why to stand up after fall?

 

standing

stubbornly holding on worthless things

patiently crying when no one hears

broken pieces glued together

by what?

 

life

 

effort testing limits of strength

buying time to find more will

forgetting to smile

what did it feel like

for the last time?

 

and again

 

falling

Break me already.


Whenever I’ve reached the peak of a mountain of suffering, I wipe my brow, take a deep breath and start the journey back down so I can be on to the next one.

I’m trying to learn how to sit at the top for a moment and enjoy before I start looking at the wonders that await me at the bottom. That’s my robot mentality coming out. Ticking off that box, ready for my next task.

I just love that struggle. I want the turmoil that comes right before you take your hand off of my throat. Where I can comsume every last bit of air in the room with one sharp gasp. The relief is exhilirating, is necessary, but the second I’m released from that prision, I long to find my way back.

I throw the keys in a place far enough away, neither the guards nor I could undo my decision to crawl back in that space and lock the door.

Break me already. I’m not as broken as I need to be. I feel you chipping away at me. Piece by piece. I’m impatient to feel the weight of you. Destroy me. I don’t want your chisel anymore. Give me the knife. Cut me open. Make me ugly and beyond recognition. Make me a girl no one else would ever want. Make me yours alone.

I’m sick of pretty. Hot bores me. I want to be less than. A crumb on your floor. Begging to be your afterthought.

Fuck me up. Tie me up. Shut me up. Tight.

Tear me up. Rip me down. Make me yours.

Unfinished, Maybe

I am so brittle, so fragile, so dismantled beyond repair.Everything i thought i was is lost without the safety of your abuse. I lusted for your passion, just a little of your anger. 

I never realized how easy it is to love with someone who will never love you back. The pain in your eyes and in my soul was the most secure i ever felt.

Pain is consistent… happiness is inconsistent… we fight to survive.

Your anger and your walls only kept giving me reason to keep trying.

I would keep reaching until the death of me.
But how could you discredit me? after all the suffering i threw away to make you smile, after all the smiles i glued together even after you ripped them away from me…

Even after the tears you forced out me on the nights when the stars used to shine.

I don’t look at the night anymore because i know- i know you’re living without me. i know that even though i’m miserable you’re still breathing.

I know that there will never be another moment like the screeching perfection of August. I know there will never be another of what I had. 

It’s not enough just to be angry. it’s not enough just to be broken. it’s not enough just to be foolish. it’s not enough just to be lonely.

Its only the constant, dull aching that reminds me i’m still clinging, still alive.

A letter that Ill never send.

For all the conversations we had, I realize now you never really answered my questions.

When I woke up that night, had no idea where I was or who you were yet i was as calm as can be, you asked me “why I wasn’t scared” & I replied “nothing can hurt me now” you stared at me for a very long time before you said another word. I still to this day wonder what you thought in that moment and why you decided I was your “one”.

What about me piqued your interest or made you feel I was suitable for the role you were looking to fill? Was it my messy state? The fact that I owed you? Was it my blatant disregard for my safety ? Or was it because you knew I had no one that would worry?

I wish you’d told me.

I look back on the beginning and how nice you were to me. So kind full of compliments making me feel like I was needed and it meant so much to me. How did I not know it was a game ?
It became natural for me to want to please you to make you proud of me, to show you how thankful I was.. but was it truly natural for me to transform into a robot? An object, an unfeeling stone.. For you to pour your rage and dislike in to..

I did everything you asked, and more. I let you push me past my absolute limits and break me into a thousand pieces time and time again. I took the pain, the humiliation and degradation. I took it all. Then you picked me back up and “lovingly” praised me , bathed me, soothed my aching body putting me back together only to do it all over again.

That day when I watched you watch me with that man, the anger flashing in your eyes betrayed your calm exterior, and I couldn’t understand why when it was your doing. Afterwards when you would make me yours again all I could feel was relief. You still wanted me. You still needed me to be yours. I had pleased you and that was the best feeling – better than any other high. I loved it!

That day was the day I gave myself completely over to you.
I turned off the switch that made me have my own thoughts and feelings and I forgot about Rosie.

Fast forward 2 years 8 months later You stood in front of me, told me I was free.

Free.

I was going to be okay and I was a great girl with great qualities great great great. You kept saying great.
When I dropped to my knees & I looked up at you straight in the eyes all desperate and frightened but you couldn’t look at me.

You walked away.

A letter with instructions to follow, a key to somewhere to stay and a goodbye Rosie, love John.

Rosie.. I wasn’t Rosie! I was your Sub! Your toy, your pet, I was yours. And John? Who the fuck is John!
Sir..

How could you do this to me?

Even toys need to be looked after.

Was it all a game ? Did I imagine the desperation in you when you had to make me yours after him? Did I imagine the contentment in you as I lay at your feet? Did I imagine the love you showered me with when you’d bathe me and tuck me in bed after a breaking session?  Did I imagine your pride when you’d take me out in my collar dressed by you? Did I imagine how you’d hold me so lovingly while I was coming down from sub space?

Maybe I did.

I know I’ll never get the answers or the understanding I need from you. I wish you knew how I’m suffering still so many months later. How useless and lost I feel.. I can’t stand another second of it. It only stops when I meet “that man” and be of use.

I wish it would stop forever.

Despite everything,  I hope you’re happy Sir and not living a lie. You are who you are and that’s okay, remember that.
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