Untitled.

My breaths are shallow 
& i swallow the whimpers like
Water; too hastily, as if i’d been trapped in a desert all year
But you asked me to keep breathing
& we both know i want to do just that
It’s just sometimes 
What i have to do to survive, is too damaging too.

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Anxiety

There is a freight train inside my ribcage
And it pounds at the walls
Shredding my dignity to pieces
This anxiety is scratching the chalk boards
Peeling away at the rooftops
It never leaves me alone
I am left with spider webs on my tongue
One bullet for one mind
A one way ticket to the unknown
Tonight I pray to a God I don’t know I believe in
For some type of relief
To help my soul from melting.

Exist

I used to hold my own hand
And sing a lullaby into the darkness
To fall asleep

I’d lie on the floor and string chords together
And melancholy notes
Bit by bit

I think they all saw my blood
Splashed across that one cozy bedroom
And thought
Just maybe
They could force those lost molecules back into my

StretchingStrivingWinding
Multicolored veins

I knew we weren’t real all along
(Just rag dolls
Sloppily stitched together
Or some sort of
Hazy memory)

And if we did exist
Why would I feel so empty inside?

Reality

Imagine being in a dark room, cold, void, lonely and quite scary.Are you there? – in your mind can you see that?, imagine being in that room for as long as you can remember, and at night, the faces, the whispers, mocking you, coldly reassuring you that you are always going to be alone, with just them. 

Do you know who they are? They are your fears, your doubts, your obsessions, your demons, everything that has driven you to that dark room.
Then imagine you can hear someone on the outside of that room, speaking, through the wall, at first you don’t want to hear them, just another nasty trick, I mean who would be interested in talking nicely to YOU?!

But, No, They are there, they are still talking to you, telling you things are going to be okay, they start creating chinks in that wall, tiny shafts of light start illuminating that room, the faces, they don’t like that light, the voices, they don’t either, they get less and less, the light gradually gets more and more. 
Still with me? 

Eventually, there is a hole in the wall, almost the whole room is full of light, that same person is beckoning you towards the hole in the wall away from that room, you’re apprehensive, so you take some talking around, but eventually you trust them, I mean they have freed you, only the deepest and darkest corners still aren’t touched by the light, you are about to walk out through that hole, into nothing but light, then that room itself will become a distant memory, and that same person who reassured you, who freed you, they push a boulder over the opening and walk away, all the lights gone, the faces come back worse than ever, their annoyed you almost left them. 

That room never seemed so dark, so cold, so void. Thing is, the only way out through this seemingly endless density of solid wall, is to scratch your way out – with your bare hands.

You sit and consider this for some time, then think, even if I do get out there isn’t anyone waiting on the outside, so what is the point in hurting yourself in the struggle to get out, just to be as alone out there, as you are in here. 

Other voices, not as strong – you can hear them on the outside of the wall, making feeble attempts at reassurance, but you don’t want to hear them anymore, no more hope, that person took all that with them, the first time you trusted someone, they broke it, shattered it like a mirror, why would you trust someone ever again? 

Its okay, you can stop imagining that cold room now, come back to the reality of where you are sitting, feel the warmth, see that soft light, but spare a thought, that I cannot stop, because what you have just imagined, is my reality every single day.

Never will you know me 


Not living up to your expectations. Nothing but hate and disgust in your eyes when you have to bring yourself to look at me. I’m sorry i didn’t turn out the way you expected. I’m that fucking disappointment.. your disappointment. Living each day as a regret, a regret that i have not yet taken my life. So, here i stand in front of you, battered and betrayed. tell me how pathetic i am. Your taunting words a constant reminder of how worthless my existance is. A paining disease burrowing itself deep within my conscious , corrupting my once innocent thoughts..Never will you know me mother, nor the mental pain which you have inflicted upon me. A scared girl, shattered and broken. Hate and disgust being the only emotion to grace me. The scars haunting my dreams, the nightmares seemingly like paradise in comparison to my life. i’m sorry i didn’t turn out like you wished.

The hard way.

You pause, and take the pictures in your mind, you look back at all that you have done. The crippling pain is unbearable, those who have left, those who have imprinted their mark on your soul. Footprints and echoes of thoughts, was it all worthwhile?

The depression grips you, vice like unrelenting, sure you have been down this road before. But like a self defence mechanism you forget the overwhelming pain, that leaves every breathe you take so painful, wishing to god or anything you may or may not believe in to take it all away.

The worse part is being scared you will live through this, the nervousness in you the sickness to the pit of your stomach you battle through sometimes minute by minute crippled but you don’t have crutches or a wheelchair, people say you look tired. Doing nothing can destroy you, as you sit there all your energy focused on just trying to cope with the pain inside you, for the hope tomorrow it will start to ease away.

So selfish you feel to those around you, better of without you, because they hurt when you hurt another love another friend walks away because you did it all wrong, just trying to explain you. Wishing that you did not say what was said, or lashed out trying to explain that pain that mocks and slowly takes your whole life away.

1000 words I wish I could say, to make that better to take their pain away, to understand to love your heart feels torn apart, to take those moments, don’t hate me for my disease the one that consumes me, I am doing the best. Judge me but on my heart and how I am still even here today, fighting though I am in so much pain. Fighting so that we may have another day, I mean you no hurt, neither any harm, I know I am broken but you could fix me with your gentle arms.

To those who are fighting, depression, heartbreak, or bipolar. Self harming, overdosing, drinking or just not eating through their lives, there is strength inside, look in the mirror, look in your eyes, if it is too late for me, remember the words I give you.

You are simply amazing for fighting through this, you are incredible for just even managing to breathe while all this is going on. One day peoples perception of mental illness will change, and that in part is thanks to you. You are stronger then you believe, because you are still here despite this pain, despite what you have to go through every day.

I just wish I could say sorry to those I pushed away, and those I hurt on my way. Your names inscribed on my soul, I will learn like I always do the hard way.

I walk alone.

I walk alone tonight,Waiting for man to come rescue me.

Your *pretty* little Glam doll

Black rimmed eyes

& powdered faces

[Ripped] Fishnets

&mini skirts

I’ll be your wonder wh*re

Confusing

O

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for

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S

T

I am just your P.L.A.Y.T.H.I.N.G.
Pills, Nicotine, Caffeine; none as addictive as you,

Darling You Always Leave me wanting -> MORE <-

Oh What a…

B.

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A.

U.

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I.

F.

U.

L.

D.I.S.A.S.T.E.R I have become

Take me and tie me up baby so I can be

[Perfect] in your eyes for once.

I am you W.H.O.R.E. without PAY
Dare to l♥o♥v♥e me baby;

We could always try….

Nothing last forever

Just like each breath I take

Baby Call Me b|e|a|u|t|i|f|u|l,

I need to hear that

P.R.E.T.T.Y L*I*E!!

& If I cry a thousand times more

You may just smile whilst I..

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