Spilled Ink

Use me

Like a pen uses ink 

Beautiful. Original. Interminable.

Write until your heart is spilled completely on the page for me to 

EXAMINE

Until there is no ink left 

To write with…

Write to me about love and tragedy and painfully gorgeous moments 

Hand in hand.

Flesh on flesh.

Mouth on mouth.

Love & sin.

Free

There’s been a film
Collecting on my bones

The way poetry seems to,

The way love condenses

And spills over;
Unnecessary. 
I’ve been learning to live alone,

Enveloping myself in the 

Emptiness like a moth-eaten quilt

At midnight.
It is safe here,

With the memories

Tucked away, but

I am done with this

Shrapnel,

I am not broken anymore

And I have no intention

Of pleasing you. 
You can break my bones before 

I’ll surrender,

‘Cause I know this ache

This tar of my bloodstream;

Molten flecks of my memories, 

The pieces of you 

I couldn’t stand to keep 

I know this sorrow and I reject it

And this is the monster you’ve been left with:

A girl who will not succumb

To sadness,

Who is no one’s but her own

And belongs to nothing

But her dreams.
And for the first time,

I feel invincible.

Break.

“but please don’t make me,not anymore.”

the faucet’s leaking out my soul tonight,

i think i’m drowning in old memories

that i forgot i had,

so do you think you could tell me

if my face has turned violet yet?

i’ve been weaving words into my skin,

but every time i sit down and let the nothingness

wash over me, it seems as if there’s too many words

in my head

for there to ever be anything left

to say.

my favorite color’s always been the opposite

of whoever’s sitting next to me,

and once i say “i’ll do it”

i can never bring myself to sit down,

think,

and actually see it through,

no matter how much i want to.

i’m not who i used to be, you see,

i was something too hard to comprehend, i overwhelmed.

parts of me don’t know who they are, but

you seem to keep me tied down

just enough

for me to fly without

flying away.
(awayawayaway.)

“come back now, please,”

i yell across the cushion clouds,

but you’re lost inside your own contradictions,

and i’m starting to wonder if there’s nothing i can do

to save you, anymore.

i’m afraid of causing

more trouble than i’m worth,

because i know that once i find a place where i can let go,

i never can pull myself back in and i always end up

making a mess on the floor of

black and blue and “i hate you”s,

and you’re too beautiful

for me.

say goodbye before hello,

it would be nice to stir things up.

and i’m afraid that because of where you come from,

you won’t ever be able to break

the padlock that’s been put on your soul, and be what i need.

(ineediwantiloveyou.)

i’ll show you everything, 

i’ll be there when you fly,

i’ll be the thing that rips away your petty chains and tells you to just go and go and go.

because it’s okay to hate yourself some times.

Depression

Those demons in your head. Questioning your choices, pointing out your every misstep.
Laughing at your pain. 
Those never ending voices.
‘Your worthless!“
“Who cares about you…?‘ 
”… Loser.!“ 
‘Stupid!“ 
The poker face that you wear everyday, the largest smiles. The longest chuckles, and the loudest laughs.
A mask, an endless inner battle, an almost seamless facade. You wouldn’t guess that they struggle, fighting against the urge to just end it. 
To give up.
To be done. 
Or how hard it is to get up in the morning. Why even bother?
The brightest, most positive person in the room may very well be sobbing on the inside. Full of sadness. 
Disgust. 
Worthlessness. 
The internet can make it so much worse. 
Inboxes full of hateful annons. 
Adding to the spiteful thoughts swirling around in your brain. 
No one to take responsibility, No one to stand up to or blame. 
Almost as bad as the silence, That feeling of invisibility. 

Wanting to reach out, but not appear needy.
Sure, meds are there but they don’t help. Not in the real way.
Feeling numb is accepted as a cure. How did that happen? 
People just want to feel BETTER.
Happier. 
Appreciated.
Accepted.
So please, keep this in mind, for as long as you can. 
When you’re walking around school or work or just hanging with a friend.
Talk to them,
Hug them, 
Show them how much they mean to you. 
Put in the effort, before it all ends. 
You can make a difference. Just be the best you, 
make small differences.
Smile more,
Listen more.
Stray away from the hate. Treat people as souls, not just based on their masks. And people will take notice. 
Hell, they might even change. 
Let’s start revolution one person at a time. 
All it takes is mere minutes. 
Let’s all make a difference, make somebody’s day. 
Embrace compassion.
Maybe even save a few lives. 
And if you, The one reading this. Is going through all of this.
The voices,
the hate, 
the longing for it to just be over. 
I just want to let you know on behalf of all of your friends and family, every single person that you have touched in some way, 
Just in case they have been quiet, 
Or if you don’t have anyone supporting you, 
You’re an amazing individual. 
You are strong as hell and most certainly not alone in this scenario. 
You matter,
People do care,
Everyone makes mistakes,
You will get through this. 
And I am here to listen whenever those voices or feelings get to be too much.

When you have that urge to hide away, berate yourself, and cry.
To help you through those hiccups in the road-I swear to you. I’ll stop what I’m doing, and we can talk it through.
When you need a friend I will happily be here, quick to your side.
Waiting to hear from you, daring you to smile when you’re going through hell. 

To distract you from those demons hidden in your head, and point out just how great you are.
So you right there,staring at this screen,
Contemplating some really hard stuff.
I’m right here, cheering you on.
Now I just have one more thing to say,
You are going to win this battle. Just don’t you dare give up!

Sleep deprived 

You devour my dreams,and create my nightmares.

I’d rather not sleep,

because you haunt me.
No sleep for me tonight,

no dreams for the rest of my life.

If I stay awake I can’t see you,

not until I start to hallucinate.
Tired and weary I fall,

fall into your arms that I know are not there,

and I cry,

cry because I’m afraid.
I’m afraid of your fake love,

afraid that you’ll try to find me.

Afraid you won’t break your promise,

afraid that you might still love me.
And I can’t live this way any longer,

I can’t let you find your way through the maze of my mind.

I can’t let you wander through my dreams,

I can’t let you infect me.
And so, I fall asleep.

Under the stars 

When I was young I could only imagine death , my obsession grew and I lay awake at night surrounded in darkness imagining nothing, no one really to talk to or explain it all to me. So I filled this blank dark space with stars, and each star was alive with someone I cared about, and slowly as I grew older the stars started to fill up and there was no blank space or stars, and as people filtered into my life only to leave again yet again I fill the black sky thinking of death as I always do, and I see stars and light shining way above me. And the silence you ask? well I simply fill that with music, so much music, sad songs, happy songs, strange songs, noises that fill every sense of your soul, and leaves you thinking, IF I am truly alone, how can someone create something that sings to my soul?

See there is never darkness around you, how could you possibly see the darkness if there was never any light? And tell me this if it is so quiet, if you too are alone with no one to talk too like me, no one to reach out too – tell me why there is a song in your head soothing your soul, some forgotten gem that drifts into your mind. IF you truly fear the dark why can a stunning sunset draw a tear to your eye, we cannot possibly never hurt, or cry, parts of us will die inside, the other parts they will fight for you, there is no tomorrow for any of us nothing in life is certain, but we have today and we have right now, and the ability within that not one of us can measure until it is needed.

The day maybe drawing to a close, you may like me be frustrated by it all, thinking what have I achieved, what have I done, I can answer without asking, you have lived today, you are breathing and that is inspirational in itself.

 There is hope in living, however strained it is there, there are stars to guide you and music to love you, hope can consume you. Maybe Idealistic maybe not, what is certain is you have the here and now, and you will have love, and you will find that place, go gently forward because the past is not something you can change, but the future is yours to shape.

Make me forget 

(Laying myself bare)

You almost made me forget, love.

You almost made me forget the hurt; the pain; the sorrow.

You almost made me forget about the emptiness:

 You almost made me forget his name.

You almost gave me hope;

You almost made me think that I might be whole again;

                                    Someday

 You almost gave me hope that I can be fixed, 

 You almost made me think that maybe,

 I could fall in love again.

 You gave me hope that maybe; I really wasn’t this

                               B-R/O-K/E-N

You almost made my heart beat faster,

You almost made me really smile, 

You almost made me want to let you in;

You almost made me want to be with you;

You almost made me think I could be happy.

You almost made me forget, sir.

You almost made me forget that he and I ever happened.

You almost made me forget his face & his eyes; the color of deep emeralds.

You almost made me forget the way he kissed me,

You almost made me forget the way his savagery felt.

You almost made me forget.

                                      {Why couldn’t you make me forget?}

You almost gave me hope that I was strong,

You almost made me think that I had enough left to make it through,

                                   You almost gave me hope.

  You almost made me think you could heal me,

  You almost made me wanna try and make it work with you,

  You almost became my light;

  You almost became something to keep me together.

  You almost kept me from falling apart.

  You almost made me forget.

Sir, I want to forget.

I want to forget they way he looked at me with his dark forest eyes.

                        I want to forget his taste,

                        I want to forget his face

                        I want to forget the way he said my pet;

                        I want to forget the way he said he loved me.

                        I want to forget he ever claimed to love me.

                        I want to forget his scent,

                        I want to forget the way his arms wrapped so tightly around my throat;

                        I want to forget the way it felt to have me fear him.

                        I want to forget.

                        {ithurtstoremember}

Please, sir, make me forget

{therestoomuchpaininthememories}

MAKE ME FORGET!

 Please;

 I don’t wanna remember.

These memories are haunting me,
But you keep the demons away,

So will you please stay?

You almost made me forget,

 You almost gave me hope

  You almost made me want you

& You could have succeeded in all these things but,

                               You left.

You left me alone for one short moment,

But it was long enough for the pain to come back,

& by the time you returned, I remembered everything.

You almost made me forget-

 I need to forget!

 
Sir, make me forget.

 Look at me with your summer-storm eyes,

 & be my summer rain in the dead of winter,

 Wash away my hurt, cleanse me.

  Drown everything out be the very existence of you, of me, of us.

I need to be held together,

So wrap me up in your arms and hold me close,

Don’t let go;

I don’t wanna fall apart tonight.

Hold me closely,

Let me heal in your protective embrace,

Let me forget,

Erase my pain with your words and whips.

I don’t know exactly where this is going 

All I know is that I need you, you make me forget the pain

& Right now, that’s exactly what I need,

Sir, please hold me, kiss me, tell me you care,

& Make me forget as only you ever can.

Sick,twisted games.

“You’ve exceeded my expectations,”   You say with a gleam in your eye,

                    “I thought you’d be BROKEN by now.”
Well, I guess this just means I’m

             |S|T|R|O|N|G|E|R| then you thought.
I may be young,

      But I’m not stupid,

                & I may be scarred,

                   But that doesn’t mean I’m weak.
& I REFUSE to let you 

               Keep playing games with me.

                   {My heart is not a toy}
“But, my dear, 

    I love you.”

                    Bullshit.

If this was love,

            You wouldn’t be 

            Trying to |k|i|l|l| me.
I’m not the stupid little girl you assume me to be.
I WONT let you keep

         M E S S I N G with my HEAD.
I NO LONGER wanna play 

           Your SICK, twisted,

                   GAMES.
Baby, I’m done.

              I hate who I’ve become.
“Baby, you’re delusional,

      I haven’t done anything wrong,

                         None of this is me

Everything’s’ gone to hell,

                          & Darling, 

                             It’s all because of 

                                      Y o u.”
                    God! Just let me GO!

                   You have not met my expectations.
Your words-

        They aren’t sincere.

                     & Your love for me

                        Is just as f a k e

                              As the smile glued onto my

                                         Tear drop-tasting lips.
This is me drawing the line,

       This is me breaking f r e e,

  {You don’t own me}
I’m done with us,

            I’m DONE with you.
I’m done with all the words being spoken not being true,

             I no longer have faith in you.
& Next time, baby,

           I wont exchange my expectations,

                                        For a bunch of pretty lies.