I want to love you


I want to fall in love with you, I want to so badly. I want to be there for you in every way imaginable. I want to hold your hand and stand by your side through the trials and tribulations that are thrown in your way. I want to be there to help you celebrate your victories. I want to be there for you from beginning to end. I want to be the person you trust the most and confide in, I’d give anything to carry that responsibility. I don’t want to betray you; I want the capability to be utterly honest and trustworthy to you.

I want to be the shoulder you go to when you need one for support. I want to be the small and frail set of arms you long for when you need a hug. I want to be the person you seek out when you need to be showered with affection. I want to be there waiting for you while you’re gone. I want to be the one longing to come back to you when I’m gone. I want to give you everything I have, my heart, my body, my soul, my love, my servitude and devotion. I want you to look past the fact that I’m broken or defective goods and love me anyway. I don’t care about the demons you may have on your back or your little imperfections; to me they make you perfect. I don’t care if you have a past or enough baggage to sink a nation…I do too and I want to carry it all with you (not for you.)

I want to snuggle with you at night, smelling your T-shirt and hugging up as close to you as I can. I want to not want to let you go. I want to touch your face tenderly and cover it with feathery kisses. I want to run my thumb softly along your eyelashes while you’re sleeping. I want to become irritated with your snoring and talking in your sleep until I hear you mumble my name. I want to complain about your cold feet touching me at night or fight with you over the covers. I want to send your ass packing to the couch. I want to loveevery fibre   of your being, because they make you who you are, and I want to love you. I want to go to you when I’m upset and hurt just to be engulfed in your arms. I think I’d feel safer there than anywhere else. I want that feeling of security I know you can give me. I want to break down crying, completely heartbroken only to have you mend me back together just by holding me close and whispering to me reassuringly. I want to give you peace.

I want to laugh my ass off at you and your seriousness . I want to listen to your filthy jokes and your terrible impersonations because they really are funny even though I don’t want to admit it. I want you to laugh at me and call me weird nicknames because of my unconventional habits. I want to form as many inside jokes with you as I can and remember them all just so I can send you random messages throughout the day that won’t make sense to anyone but us. I want you to laugh at the messages until you cry and when your coworkers or friends ask what’s so funny, you can’t explain it, you just laugh until they think you’ve gone insane. I want to be the one to make you smile. I want to talk politics with you and debate the meanings of life and love. I want to develop our own philosophies together. I want to make important and life changing decisions with you.

I want to do favors for you, saying: “Ok…but you owe me,” not because I actually want something, it just means I’ll get to spend more time with you. I want to get so mad at you sometimes that I end up feeling ashamed of myself and ask for forgiveness even though it actually was your fault. I want you to do the same with me. I want you to roll your eyes at me when I get on your nerves, forcing me to pinch you in retaliation. I want you to pinch me back. I want to get into pinching wars with you. I want you to tell me when I’m doing something wrong or annoying (just so I can pinch you back yet again to get even.) I want to wrestle with you! I want to land on top and pin you down, and gloat about how I won even though we both know you let me just so you could have a ‘nice view’.

I’d like to be able to lay my head on your shoulder not because I’m sleepy, but because I get to be closer to you in a sneaky way. I want you to hug me from behind and seductively kiss my shoulder. I want to bury my face in the nape of your neck and tickle you unexpectedly with my eyelashes. I want you to call me silly for doing so followed by: “but for some odd reason I love you anyway.” I want to spend an entire Saturday in bed with you. I want to make memories with you; good ones, bad ones, sweet ones, funny ones, ridiculous ones, kink rated ones…I just want to share them with you and you alone.

I want to hurt in your absence; I want that pain deep inside my chest. I want to feel like I’m the loneliest person in the world when you’re gone. I want the excitement I know I’m bound to feel upon your return. I want the knowledge that I belong to you and you belong to me. I want you to know you always have someone to turn to and I want for us to be together even if some people may not agree with our union. I want the stress and frustration that come with the difficulties in a relationship because it means you come attached. I want you to want to be with me despite all the factors that may be stacked against us. I want to fight those factors with you. I may not want to spend the rest of my life with you just yet, but I want to consider it someday. I want you to want a future. I want to see you succeed in life, not just financially, but I want to see you happy and enjoying life to its fullest. I want the reassurance that you’ll live up to your potential and become someone that’d make me even more proud of you than I already am.

I want to experience crazy love with you. I want to spend an entire day washing your car only to end up with us dirtier than the car was to begin with. I want to spray you in the face with the hose and then have you chase after me and tackle me to the ground. I want to stay up all night watching horror movies with you until I’m too scared to go to sleep. I want to sit quietly and listen to you play your guitar while you sing some of the poems I wrote and you turned into songs.  I don’t think anyone could do my words better justice than you could even though I’m slightly biased. I want the songs to make me cry and then have you gently wipe away the tears. I want to jump your bones afterwards and take advantage of you (none too gently I might add.) I want you to want me to take advantage of you. I want you to take advantage of me in return.

I want us to sit in comfortable silence while I sketch a picture of you without your knowledge. I want you to know what I’m actually doing, but stay silent so as not to ruin the moment. I want long talks with you about the dumbest things as in subliminal messaging in cartoons. I want to watch you laugh and smile, and because of this I want to fall in love with you all over again. I want to undress you with my eyes.

I want you to tell me I don’t need to wear makeup because I’m beautiful without it even though we both know if I went outside looking the way I do in the mornings I’d scare small children. I want you to talk me out of getting my nose pierced, but end up taking me to get my first tattoo instead. I want to fight over little things with you like what radio station to play or what channel to watch on the TV. I want to argue with you over whether to go to Burger King or McDonald’s until we finally compromise on Eddie Rockets even though neither one of us likes their food. I want to hate your video games the way you hate my indie music. I want you to teach me how to play whatever you play only to have me accidentally beat you. I want to laugh at you while you rant about ‘beginner’s luck’ and say: ‘it was a fluke’. I want to get competitive with you. I want to place bets with you over random things.

I want to go moshing with you. I want you to be overprotective of me and make sure I don’t get run over by a hoard of drunk guys. I want to get into an argument in the middle of the pit over some stupid or meaningless thing. I want the make-up sex afterwards when we get home. I want your friends to like me, I want to like them.  Basically, I want a life with you in it. I want a relationship with nobody but you. I know I’m normally picky and have a lot of faults, but you have touched my heart in a way no one has before and all I want right now is for you to accept me. I will be there for you and I will love you unconditionally because I want to fall in love with you and you alone and I believe you’re worth the effort. I believe everyone deserves love, including us, and you’re the only one I want to fall in love with.

I want to make you feel loved, accepted, cherished, appreciated, and far more special than you can ever imagine because that’s what I want you to mean to me.

Imagine That

Imagine that you are made of stars.
A hundred million tiny points of light that make you more beautiful than anyone else. Imagine that, all at once, you are in every wonderful place in the world. Everything looks like cupcakes and sounds like your favourite song. Imagine that you are everything you ever wanted to be and that there is no such thing as happiness because you never need to feel anything other than perfectly, beautifully content like those blissful moments between sex and sleep. Imagine that all around you, existence swirls by like golden autumnal leaves that have been snatched up for a waltz by the breeze. Imagine that all the best moments of your life are pieced together to create everything that is happening to you. Imagine being able to feel the binds of his restraints around your wrists with the taste of his skin on your tongue. Imagine that every time you breathe, it smells of him and every time you blink, his slow smile spreads across the insides of your eyelids. Imagine that you don’t know how to do anything other than be in love.

Imagine that, one at a time, all of the stars are extinguished and you start to fade away. Imagine that, as quickly as your heart can beat, a sparkling star becomes a flake of ash that falls and drifts away from you. Imagine that all of the beauty surrounding you disintegrates into itself until it becomes a mass of liquid nothingness at your feet. Imagine a stillness so silent that you wonder how anything could ever have been real. Imagine the fear you feel as you realize that you are losing yourself . You are left alone, in an almost-dark space staring into a pool of everything that you once had but didn’t deserve, knowing that it could only have been a matter of time before fate realized its mistake. Imagine that you are staring at what should have been forever, wishing on the last few stars that are left that this is just a dream, and wondering how it is possible for one person to be this broken.

Depression

Those demons in your head. Questioning your choices, pointing out your every misstep.
Laughing at your pain. 
Those never ending voices.
‘Your worthless!“
“Who cares about you…?‘ 
”… Loser.!“ 
‘Stupid!“ 
The poker face that you wear everyday, the largest smiles. The longest chuckles, and the loudest laughs.
A mask, an endless inner battle, an almost seamless facade. You wouldn’t guess that they struggle, fighting against the urge to just end it. 
To give up.
To be done. 
Or how hard it is to get up in the morning. Why even bother?
The brightest, most positive person in the room may very well be sobbing on the inside. Full of sadness. 
Disgust. 
Worthlessness. 
The internet can make it so much worse. 
Inboxes full of hateful annons. 
Adding to the spiteful thoughts swirling around in your brain. 
No one to take responsibility, No one to stand up to or blame. 
Almost as bad as the silence, That feeling of invisibility. 

Wanting to reach out, but not appear needy.
Sure, meds are there but they don’t help. Not in the real way.
Feeling numb is accepted as a cure. How did that happen? 
People just want to feel BETTER.
Happier. 
Appreciated.
Accepted.
So please, keep this in mind, for as long as you can. 
When you’re walking around school or work or just hanging with a friend.
Talk to them,
Hug them, 
Show them how much they mean to you. 
Put in the effort, before it all ends. 
You can make a difference. Just be the best you, 
make small differences.
Smile more,
Listen more.
Stray away from the hate. Treat people as souls, not just based on their masks. And people will take notice. 
Hell, they might even change. 
Let’s start revolution one person at a time. 
All it takes is mere minutes. 
Let’s all make a difference, make somebody’s day. 
Embrace compassion.
Maybe even save a few lives. 
And if you, The one reading this. Is going through all of this.
The voices,
the hate, 
the longing for it to just be over. 
I just want to let you know on behalf of all of your friends and family, every single person that you have touched in some way, 
Just in case they have been quiet, 
Or if you don’t have anyone supporting you, 
You’re an amazing individual. 
You are strong as hell and most certainly not alone in this scenario. 
You matter,
People do care,
Everyone makes mistakes,
You will get through this. 
And I am here to listen whenever those voices or feelings get to be too much.

When you have that urge to hide away, berate yourself, and cry.
To help you through those hiccups in the road-I swear to you. I’ll stop what I’m doing, and we can talk it through.
When you need a friend I will happily be here, quick to your side.
Waiting to hear from you, daring you to smile when you’re going through hell. 

To distract you from those demons hidden in your head, and point out just how great you are.
So you right there,staring at this screen,
Contemplating some really hard stuff.
I’m right here, cheering you on.
Now I just have one more thing to say,
You are going to win this battle. Just don’t you dare give up!

Under the stars 

When I was young I could only imagine death , my obsession grew and I lay awake at night surrounded in darkness imagining nothing, no one really to talk to or explain it all to me. So I filled this blank dark space with stars, and each star was alive with someone I cared about, and slowly as I grew older the stars started to fill up and there was no blank space or stars, and as people filtered into my life only to leave again yet again I fill the black sky thinking of death as I always do, and I see stars and light shining way above me. And the silence you ask? well I simply fill that with music, so much music, sad songs, happy songs, strange songs, noises that fill every sense of your soul, and leaves you thinking, IF I am truly alone, how can someone create something that sings to my soul?

See there is never darkness around you, how could you possibly see the darkness if there was never any light? And tell me this if it is so quiet, if you too are alone with no one to talk too like me, no one to reach out too – tell me why there is a song in your head soothing your soul, some forgotten gem that drifts into your mind. IF you truly fear the dark why can a stunning sunset draw a tear to your eye, we cannot possibly never hurt, or cry, parts of us will die inside, the other parts they will fight for you, there is no tomorrow for any of us nothing in life is certain, but we have today and we have right now, and the ability within that not one of us can measure until it is needed.

The day maybe drawing to a close, you may like me be frustrated by it all, thinking what have I achieved, what have I done, I can answer without asking, you have lived today, you are breathing and that is inspirational in itself.

 There is hope in living, however strained it is there, there are stars to guide you and music to love you, hope can consume you. Maybe Idealistic maybe not, what is certain is you have the here and now, and you will have love, and you will find that place, go gently forward because the past is not something you can change, but the future is yours to shape.

That feeling 

you know that feeling when you’re lying on the ground and all your blood is pouring out and you know you’re slowly dying, but you’ve lost too much blood that you can’t get up, and you don’t even care to do anything about it? that’s me right now. and I’m not sure if what I’m seeing now is a dream or if my life is flashing before my eyes or if it’s something else, but

this is what I see: I’m hunched over the toilet puking my brains out, and a voice tells me the end of the world is coming. somehow I have the energy to run to your house. somehow, before the windows shatter and everything becomes nothing, I grab your hand and this is how we turn to dust.

this is what I see: I barge into your room as you’re taking a toke, and at first you panic, but then you say, “oh, okay. it’s just you.” it’s just me.

this is what I see: the world is spinning. it’s a blur of lights, a carousel of colours. I’m dancing. when I close my eyes, I see myself falling, but keeping my eyes open makes me feel dizzy. I’m confusing the sights I see with opened eyes for the pictures I see with closed eyes. I’m scared to death. I’m crying hysterically. I’m so fucking drunk. 

this is what I see: my guts on the footpath. it looks like a picture I sketched last week. it looks like the bruises on my left hip and right cheek. I see a world with no sun but with flashlights blinding me and one hundred faces in my face poking me with sticks and asking me if I’m still alive.

this is what I see: I’m running. the wind is strong enough to push me down to my knees, and running too fast is still not fast enough, so I run until my lungs crumble and I collapse and I cry I cry I cry. I look like I’m drowning in a river but feeling alright. I see myself lying in the grass and I’m inhaling, I’m exhaling. the earth underneath me is breathing with me, and maybe I will not die alone after all.

Now

“Laying alone with the history that made you cold and uncertain inside. Careful now, deep breath, the water’s still rising. But your silver lining’s in sight.”

What could of been, should of been, might of been?

What you see, what you think, whats real, and whats not.

Confusion, peace, despair, hope, anger, sadness, happiness.

If only this. If only that. Just to go back. Just to move forward.

But stop.

There is here. There is now. There is you and nothing else.

My thoughts pull me under and I reach for you to pull me up. You deliver me from myself and provide the easy silence I need, the comfort and protection.

Never fooling me into believing its over or going to be easy, but just promising yourself, never for me to be alone.

Dear Someone

I don’t know who you are or why I had the sudden urge to write this. You could be anyone in the whole wide world. But for some reason, you were on my heart this morning. I haven’t slept all night, and I guess staring at the ceiling makes one think about what really matters.

You’re one-of-a-kind, you know that? Not factory-made, not mass-produced, not something but someone. Even if you’re a twin or triplet, you’re uniquely and wonderfully you. There is something about you that no one else has, and that the world would be woefully without if it were taken away. From the curve of your eyelashes to the barest hint of a smile at one corner of your mouth when you’re trying not to laugh, you’re a collection of little miracles all wrapped up into one special and wonderfully made package. Each of your cells custom-made, chains of DNA specifically forged and coded just for you. But you’re more than science. You’re tangible and intangible, physical and ethereal, radiating emotion and life from your mass and though you may not see it, you’re an essential part of this world. You’re not an accident, and you’re here for a reason. Though it’s sometimes hard to understand why things can be so hard, and you may come to question your very existence, you must never let go. Because with you gone, there’d be a black hole that’d suck everyone into a gloomy darkness, because your light would be irreplaceably extinguished. You may think you’re unloved, friendless, rejected, alone, but you’re never really alone. Every word and deed you speak and commit form a thread in the web of your life, and you never know how another person, invisible to you, may need that thread as a lifeline. So don’t hold back; don’t give up. Remember that people need you to be you and that you’re not just a statistic, not just a name or a number, but a living breathing amazing person, someone who’s part of something bigger than life itself. Times are tough, you may fail and fail again, but you must never stop trying. Never, ever. There are dreams waiting for you to discover, people waiting for you to come into their lives and brighten their days, and miracles waiting to happen. Just please, please, please believe. Because believing is what makes dreams come true, even if they’re dreams you never knew you even had.
-Rosie 

A haunting 

The ghosts, they walk amongst us.

Shadowing us, hiding around corners waiting. A sudden laugh in a party, a glint in a stranger’s eye, a smell or sound that suddenly makes your pulse quicken and an ill chill finger itself up your spine and grasp your neck.

Maybe I have been too sure of late. Too certain, too stupid. Oblivious, unseeing.

That email conversation; that piece of  agony and recrimination that I thought I had deleted forever from my inbox. I read the words slowly, pushing myself to finish it, hating every minute but needing to do it, like sucking at a bad tooth. The metallic taste of blood fills my mouth where I subconsciously bite my lip. My heartbeat quickens as a fog descends upon my brain and the whole world seems to slide on its axis and leave me reeling and nauseous, in a limbo of my own making. As it was at the time.

And I feel you, ghost. I feel you behind me, your hand heavy on my shoulder. You have found the box, the box inside my head where our words were laid to rest. You have prised it open, for I never locked it. Your words, as always, drown mine out. Your fingers, ice-cold with bitterness, pluck every innocent phrase, every plea, every apology, every ounce of love and respect in that conversation and scatter it before my eyes once more.

You laugh your hollow laugh with your cold, dead eyes and remind me of my wrongdoings, my failings, my flawed humanity whilst you move in to suck the certainty from my undeserving marrow.

Listen, ghost. Look. There is a storm coming.

Watch as the blue sky bloodies and bruises. Watch as the crows wheel and caw in the rising winds, circling, curious. Listen to the leaves sing out high in the waving trees, see them fall to the ground small and brown, then whip and twirl around my bare ankles and then rush ahead in their little chattering gangs. Either dancing, or afraid.

Hear the black dog howl.

And, over in the vacant plot, see the lone magpie peck and scratch amongst the nettles and the rubbish. Watch her hop amongst the discarded chip wrappers, the plastic bags that dance on the low, cold breeze. Watch her, and watch her well.

Walk with me a while, ghost. There is a storm coming.

Walk with me when the rain starts. Keep that heavy hand on my shoulder as my soaked hair whips my face and the cold rain clings. Walk with me as I raise my face to the bellowing skies to feel, to taste, to live each raindrop. To live.

Ghost, the storm will set me free.

Ghost, the storm will return you to where you belong, carried away with the howling winds along the rain-drenched slick black streets where I cried so many times for you.

But I will fear you no more.

Prose play

You probably didn’t notice the empty bottles of gin on the dresser beside my bed where you fucked me. I guess I can’t really call it rape if you said, “Spread your legs, babe” and I listened. It was hard for you to hold me after that; I was shivering and shaking and crumbling into pieces, and you know, it’s hard to hold a body that’s just pieces. You can fuck my body, but that doesn’t mean shit— it’s hard to hold a body when the hands are silently catching stardust in a daydream.

I had a dream that I was hit by a car on my way to your house. Losing blood wasn’t even what was important about it. What mattered was that I had repressed emotions that needed an escape route. I heard an ambulance in the distance, but I was just fine. I limped the rest of the way to your house and left a trail of blood on the path. Had to let you know that the suicidal thoughts do not glitter; they’re not shards of glass that you feel pressing into your skin. They’re not bright like headlights gleaming in your face while you’re sinking in the passenger’s seat, drowning in the idle talk dripping from the driver’s mouth. Surprisingly, they’re not wet like tears or blood; they’re dried up, and what’s been drained from me has no colour. My thoughts are colourless—they don’t shine.

Pricked you with a fork and looked for your soul’s escape route, but you didn’t fall out; you stayed in your body, and instead I was the bleeding mess on the floor. It was your bedroom floor mess, you called it. I left the vomit exactly how it spilled out— the belly of an angel and her glittery muck. What a mess, you say, what a goddess. It was my brain spat out into physical reminders. 

Someone once told me that every ten years, your body is completely anew, like your cells have died and been replaced by new ones so you’re not the same hunk of matter you once were, but you’re somehow still you because you have your memories. 

8am. park sitting, I am thinking about you. I am thinking about when I was passed out on the couch at the pub and you were putting your shoes on at the door. Your voice was the sound of my favourite record spinning while the fabric of the couch was fading from my touch. With my head fading out of our conversation, your voice was cracking in all the right spots, breaking me in all the right places. One day I’ll see your face smiling in a fogged window from the outside, and it won’t hurt the way it does right now. 
I sit here home now,a hunk of this. Thinking. Looking at pictures. You can swim in the distance in his eyes. You made that distance gallons of water to drown yourself in. Liquid kisses— the sex with the glittering orgasms— your touch was first neon and electric, then it was snowflakes landing on the skin, and now it’s just clouds in the sky.

Break me already.


Whenever I’ve reached the peak of a mountain of suffering, I wipe my brow, take a deep breath and start the journey back down so I can be on to the next one.

I’m trying to learn how to sit at the top for a moment and enjoy before I start looking at the wonders that await me at the bottom. That’s my robot mentality coming out. Ticking off that box, ready for my next task.

I just love that struggle. I want the turmoil that comes right before you take your hand off of my throat. Where I can comsume every last bit of air in the room with one sharp gasp. The relief is exhilirating, is necessary, but the second I’m released from that prision, I long to find my way back.

I throw the keys in a place far enough away, neither the guards nor I could undo my decision to crawl back in that space and lock the door.

Break me already. I’m not as broken as I need to be. I feel you chipping away at me. Piece by piece. I’m impatient to feel the weight of you. Destroy me. I don’t want your chisel anymore. Give me the knife. Cut me open. Make me ugly and beyond recognition. Make me a girl no one else would ever want. Make me yours alone.

I’m sick of pretty. Hot bores me. I want to be less than. A crumb on your floor. Begging to be your afterthought.

Fuck me up. Tie me up. Shut me up. Tight.

Tear me up. Rip me down. Make me yours.