The lights hurt me; the sounds do too. Everything hurts. I hide behind my hands. It’s not enough to calm me down. It’s not enough to protect me.
I’m not shaking. My breathing isn’t heavy. It’s all inside. I’m paralyzed. This is nothing, I say to myself. I’m not even shaking, this is stupid, I say. Why don’t you move? Why? But I just can’t. I want to cry.
I’m mad at myself for being so weak. I’m mad at myself for being sick while my body isn’t showing any signs. I’m not shaking. I feel stupid. You’re a mess, Rosie.
My hands are glued to my forehead, like a small roof infusing my eyes with a light darkness. I can’t move. If I move I won’t be fine. I find a semblance of comfort and safety in this position.
My body wouldn’t respond anyways, would it? If I try to move I’ll fall, won’t I? If I don’t see him, he doesn’t exist therefore he can’t see me and I can be fine.
I want to cry. I just want to go home. I want to hide. I need silence and the comfort of my bed to relive this moment over and over in my head and torture myself. I don’t want to be here anymore. But I don’t want to move.
To get out, I’ll have to take my hands away from my face and that’ll leave me exposed. Exposed to the light, the sounds, the eyes, the room. I don’t want to face this.
Maybe if I remain like this long enough I’ll disappear; or maybe he will. I want to try this. I don’t feel strong enough to look up. This denim skirt makes my legs look fine. These are my legs. From my body, right?
I hear her speak. Her?? It’s so far yet so close. She says “I’ll help you home , okay?” No, it isn’t okay. It’s not. But if it isn’t for you I won’t get out of here. She moves and grabs my jacket. I can’t get up. She’s waiting for me.
I don’t care if I have to rip my skin off to get those hands away from me. I get up. I’m sorry. But thank you, oh thank you so much. My skin is intact. But I’m burning up.
We walk. I can’t look up. The noise is killing me. I stare at her feet and follow them. I say sorry to them. My tongue is missing. My mouth is a hollow cavity that cannot even gulp down enough air to ease the lightheadedness. Thank you for saving me from this hell. Does she know??
She stops many times. Let’s get food. You need sugar. There are so many people. They’re all probably staring at me right now. “Look at that weird bruised girl with her eyes glued to the floor.” “Why does she play with her hands like that?” I feel ugly. Stop staring. We wait in line to pay. This feels like forever. I feel weird. Tea with 4 sugars she all but forced down me.
We walk out. I close my jacket and put my hood up. I don’t want to see the lights and surely not the people in the streets. I stare at the ground and let my feet do the job. I’m on autopilot. My body is. My mind is busy overthinking everything and going back on old and fresher memories and stamp everything with guilt, shame, doubt or anything else it feels the need to. I feel like crying but it won’t work. I let my feet carry me. They know the damn road too well by now. I feel horrible. Shaking. But not very much still.
Halfway home. Now I feel numb. I open my jacket. It’s getting hot in here. Get rid of the hood. The light doesn’t hurt anymore. I don’t feel very real. I think about my small room and how it’s devoid of people; how it’s devoid of the outside world. I feel sad. Is this how my life shall be till the end? I don’t like being alone. I don’t like this poisonous bubble. But part of me doesn’t want to pop it; not that I could.
Goodbye Rosie get some rest you’ll be fine.
Finally inside. I get rid of the damn jacket and walk into the bathroom. I’m slightly shaking and my breathing is heavy but not so much. I take my clothes off and wish someone would do it for me. This is so tiring. I manage. I get in the shower and almost burn to death. I can’t think fast enough. After three tries, I get the right temperature; not really, but good enough. I stand numbly under the water and let it wash away the infinite bullshit I am covered in. I can’t cry. I get out.
Now I’ve got to put clothes on. The. Struggle. I don’t feel anything anymore. I brush my teeth. Boy, do I look ugly. So much darkness on my face. My soul leaked again, I think.
I stare into space as I mechanically fill a glass of water and sit on the bed. I grab my computer. It’s so slow. Please, don’t do this right now. I need some music. It’s finally on. Struggling to give me what I ask for, but hey, I can’t complain. “Like master, like pet” or whatever. I finally get my music. I hesitate. I don’t know what I need right now, I think. I listen to one song. Then another one. Still not it. I DON’T KNOW. I finally settle on Nine Inch Nails downward spiral album and open my WordPress tab.
I type down some shit on a draft. I start typing what I think will be a poem but soon turns out to be a weird somehow vague post about how fucked I am. I’m hungry but I brush it off; my body won’t accept it, I won’t swallow and ugh. The pain sets in. Every inch of my body aches. Painkillers. I throw them back my neck.
I post what I wrote and pick a book in the hopes of finding some peace of mind. My stare is still very far away. I’m not here anymore. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be back in the cockpit. Maybe not. Every day is a surprise. What will I get? What degree of hell? How will I manage?