I don’t know what this is.

Now I feel Numb
Lost deep in this endless pain
It takes feeling really high

For me not to sink as low again

Something I use when I feel myself sliding
It takes me high but pushes me down lower than I was
I wish I could get off this roller coaster
My head is empty but my eyes are full

And to the point that I feel the rush
That silent cry when the tears fall and you can’t hold them back
That’s not happening though

I’m teetering on the edge of

A breakdown and trying to keep it together

I can feel them start to roll

That hopeless sting

When you can’t fight anymore
But I can’t even do that
I don’t care that I messed up

I don’t care if I stuff down the pain

That I feed the hurt

That I let myself be the victim instead of it..
Because he’s it to me

Every. Single. urge. is
I want that hopeless sting to roll down my face
That awful feeling of being so numb that the tears help
But you’re senseless.  
You can’t feel it
And instead
You let them drip down your cheeks like a senseless train wreck
That noticing the wetness won’t change the empty shameless plug that can shut everything off in a second
And when you do feel it? You hit your knees because the tears are so heavy
Crushing

Smothering

And ending you
That feeling hits you so strong that guilt overwhelms every part of your mind that you don’t have anywhere to go
You have no idea what to do
Then it comes
And surrounds you and invades all the empty space
It wants to wreak you

Break you

Hold you down and force the air out
Begs for some ground to smother you in the never ending thoughts

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2 thoughts on “I don’t know what this is.

  1. Love you girly. I hope you have a wonderful day. Sounds like you had a bad night , I am sorry to hear that you suffered, I am still here holding your hand. Besides couldn’t leave anyways, we are handcuffed together. I threw away the key. Your stuck with me =)

    Liked by 1 person

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