It’s a strange thing.
I open my eyes, rub the sleep away. I walk into the bathroom, catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. No connection. I shower to wash the grime away; the same dirt that I have never been able to scrub off. I touch my wet skin, watch as the soap cascades off of my curves. He wants to join me, but he doesn’t understand. I do not know this girl. No connection.
Who is she? Who is this girl? The fear sets in and my chest tightens. It is happening again; I am losing grip of myself. I don’t even realize when its happening; floating away from my body for hours at a time.
I clutch onto him; hold me down. I search for my spot on the ceiling, it is a game, my anchor. I find it; This is my spot, I am here, I am here, I am here. I cannot put words together.
What are you thinking? What are you thinking? What are you thinking? My answers are never good enough; he doesn’t understand that I can put no words together.
Inside of my mind is a hurricane. I can barely breathe, barely think, barely be. There is no way to form words. What are you thinking? Can’t you please give me something? Anything? What are you thinking? What are you thinking?
The bomb explodes; my knees go weak. I stop on the middle of the bridge, look down to the water. What I wouldn’t give to be able to jump off at that moment; escape this storm inside of me. I do not know myself or what is happening, and I cannot give him what he needs. It all escalates so quickly, too quickly, and before I know it, I am on the brink. The worst part is that it hits so suddenly, there is no way to prepare. One moment I am here, the next, I am gone; above.
I have been here before, I know where it is going. I have been here before, I know how badly this could turn out if I am not careful. Everything is moving too quickly too fast I cannot keep up I cannot catch up and so my mind in an effort to protect allows me to leave, to dissassociate in order to preserve my life and keep me from those depths that I have climbed out of.
I need a moment, a single moment for the world to stop so that I can catch up. I need silence. I need open air. I need everything to cease so that I can come back down. I have been here before, and I know where its going, if I do not stop slow down.