I am so angry right now.
Words cannot describe it. I so want to punch someone’s face in right now, but of course I can’t, so I resorted to banging my head, whacking myself and all-in-all, very tantrum like behaviour, for something like over an hour. The feeling is so overwhelming, the rage, coursing through my body, bringing me to tears, and then once again turning to utter hate, and
Ijustwanttohurtsomebodysofuckingbadly but there’s a reason that I barricade myself into this room when I’m feeling like this — so no one but me will get hurt.
This is not me. I don’t get angry like this and have tantrums. I don’t hurt people. THIS IS NOT ME. So why am I acting like this?
I’m struggling to control my feelings, and even as I type this, the tears are threatening to run down my face again, and god, I just don’t know what the hell I should be doing. There’s that one part of me, separate as always, that is utterly appalled at my own behaviour. It marvelled at the extreme child-like tantrum, and wonders why something so fucking trivial can spark such fury. It is a big deal, but nothing that warrants such an explosion of emotion, and I just don’t understand. The only explanation my mind offers me is the one I don’t want to think about but god, every second convinces me of it more and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know, I honestly don’t, and right now I’m just so fucking ashamed and scared… and tired. Tired of being scared.