The night is unremarkable.
Dark sky, a slight drizzle as I walk. It’s been a while since I slept or ate properly. Untouched dishes left on the counter.
I count back the hours to the last meal and wonder why my stomach feels full, its the emptiest I’ve known for weeks.
Earlier I sat on the floor of my bedroom.
Makeup spread across the floor.
I took a brush and painted. The flaws and cares covered over in shaded brown, and greys and black and and a pink blush spread subtly across my cheeks.
Huge dark rimmed eyes.
I look like a ghost.
I pickup my handbag. Check i have my phone. I light a cigarette. I open the door.
Raining heavy now.
Rain splish splashes onto the black car. The wiper blades are shit. They smear rather than repel. The driver said he’d lost his glasses and was driving in stoner black shades.
I watch through the window little children playing on the street. Late. Didn’t anyone care?
He takes a quiet route.
I turn my mind to blank.
One turn. Two. Three. A left. Straight ahead. Sharp right, mind the bin men collecting the bins.
He drives over the crest of a small railway bridge.
I pass the place the little boy got run over, When he came back he said the car dragged him for 70 yards.
I used to stare at the scars running down his face, until he caught me. I looked away. Ashamed.
I’m coming to the main street. If I look carefully I can see a grey slated roof with a sunlight to differentiate it from the other houses. I looked carefully the time before. So carefully. I keep my eyes away from that structure.
I look out at the pavements instead, as though it is somehow intriguing to me, that grey speckled concrete bathed in street light.
My right. The shop where I was told to pick up some laces.
He keeps driving. Up past the avenue where my one friend lived. I remember when we sat drunkenly planning to rule the world, I remember when I cleaned her cuts. I remember when i saved her puppy’s life.
I wonder how many times I walked those paths.. 30? There and back again.
I look in the drivers mirror briefly. I see the lane. I see the house.
This is it.
I get out of the taxi. I smooth my skirt. Check my lipstick & I start to think.
I am only need.
I feel nothing. Everything. Nothing.
I knock before I open the door and go straight to the bedroom.
Beg me, he says.
Make use of me, I say.
Used and used, and used.
Are you alright, he said. You pushed me, he said.
I’m fine, I said.
Thank me, he says.
Thank you, I say.
I pick up my belongings.
I walk out the door.
I walk home.
The shaking starts.
Then I scrub.
Another part of me destroyed.
Then I smile,
I’m almost there.