You pause, and take the pictures in your mind, you look back at all that you have done. The crippling pain is unbearable, those who have left, those who have imprinted their mark on your soul. Footprints and echoes of thoughts, was it all worthwhile?
The depression grips you, vice like unrelenting, sure you have been down this road before. But like a self defence mechanism you forget the overwhelming pain, that leaves every breathe you take so painful, wishing to god or anything you may or may not believe in to take it all away.
The worse part is being scared you will live through this, the nervousness in you the sickness to the pit of your stomach you battle through sometimes minute by minute crippled but you don’t have crutches or a wheelchair, people say you look tired. Doing nothing can destroy you, as you sit there all your energy focused on just trying to cope with the pain inside you, for the hope tomorrow it will start to ease away.
So selfish you feel to those around you, better of without you, because they hurt when you hurt another love another friend walks away because you did it all wrong, just trying to explain you. Wishing that you did not say what was said, or lashed out trying to explain that pain that mocks and slowly takes your whole life away.
1000 words I wish I could say, to make that better to take their pain away, to understand to love your heart feels torn apart, to take those moments, don’t hate me for my disease the one that consumes me, I am doing the best. Judge me but on my heart and how I am still even here today, fighting though I am in so much pain. Fighting so that we may have another day, I mean you no hurt, neither any harm, I know I am broken but you could fix me with your gentle arms.
To those who are fighting, depression, heartbreak, or bipolar. Self harming, overdosing, drinking or just not eating through their lives, there is strength inside, look in the mirror, look in your eyes, if it is too late for me, remember the words I give you.
You are simply amazing for fighting through this, you are incredible for just even managing to breathe while all this is going on. One day peoples perception of mental illness will change, and that in part is thanks to you. You are stronger then you believe, because you are still here despite this pain, despite what you have to go through every day.
I just wish I could say sorry to those I pushed away, and those I hurt on my way. Your names inscribed on my soul, I will learn like I always do the hard way.