A letter that Ill never send.

For all the conversations we had, I realize now you never really answered my questions.

When I woke up that night, had no idea where I was or who you were yet i was as calm as can be, you asked me “why I wasn’t scared” & I replied “nothing can hurt me now” you stared at me for a very long time before you said another word. I still to this day wonder what you thought in that moment and why you decided I was your “one”.

What about me piqued your interest or made you feel I was suitable for the role you were looking to fill? Was it my messy state? The fact that I owed you? Was it my blatant disregard for my safety ? Or was it because you knew I had no one that would worry?

I wish you’d told me.

I look back on the beginning and how nice you were to me. So kind full of compliments making me feel like I was needed and it meant so much to me. How did I not know it was a game ?
It became natural for me to want to please you to make you proud of me, to show you how thankful I was.. but was it truly natural for me to transform into a robot? An object, an unfeeling stone.. For you to pour your rage and dislike in to..

I did everything you asked, and more. I let you push me past my absolute limits and break me into a thousand pieces time and time again. I took the pain, the humiliation and degradation. I took it all. Then you picked me back up and “lovingly” praised me , bathed me, soothed my aching body putting me back together only to do it all over again.

That day when I watched you watch me with that man, the anger flashing in your eyes betrayed your calm exterior, and I couldn’t understand why when it was your doing. Afterwards when you would make me yours again all I could feel was relief. You still wanted me. You still needed me to be yours. I had pleased you and that was the best feeling – better than any other high. I loved it!

That day was the day I gave myself completely over to you.
I turned off the switch that made me have my own thoughts and feelings and I forgot about Rosie.

Fast forward 2 years 8 months later You stood in front of me, told me I was free.

Free.

I was going to be okay and I was a great girl with great qualities great great great. You kept saying great.
When I dropped to my knees & I looked up at you straight in the eyes all desperate and frightened but you couldn’t look at me.

You walked away.

A letter with instructions to follow, a key to somewhere to stay and a goodbye Rosie, love John.

Rosie.. I wasn’t Rosie! I was your Sub! Your toy, your pet, I was yours. And John? Who the fuck is John!
Sir..

How could you do this to me?

Even toys need to be looked after.

Was it all a game ? Did I imagine the desperation in you when you had to make me yours after him? Did I imagine the contentment in you as I lay at your feet? Did I imagine the love you showered me with when you’d bathe me and tuck me in bed after a breaking session?  Did I imagine your pride when you’d take me out in my collar dressed by you? Did I imagine how you’d hold me so lovingly while I was coming down from sub space?

Maybe I did.

I know I’ll never get the answers or the understanding I need from you. I wish you knew how I’m suffering still so many months later. How useless and lost I feel.. I can’t stand another second of it. It only stops when I meet “that man” and be of use.

I wish it would stop forever.

Despite everything,  I hope you’re happy Sir and not living a lie. You are who you are and that’s okay, remember that.
x

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