It is what it is.

I feel so, so…..strange?I honestly do not know how else to describe it. I don’t recognize myself lately.

My thoughts are so conflicting, so confusing, so unreal and real at the same time, so senseless yet they make make perfect sense, so bad but so good..
I don’t understand this.

I think and i think and i think until it gets to the point where i lose all sense of reality. Several times recently i have found myself remembering things that i know have never happened. I can sit and stare into space for an hour or more and not realize it.

Last week, i took a lighter to my wrist and burned it.. yet i swear to God i didn’t feel anything for about 5 minutes later. I was that lost in thought and numbed and… i don’t know. I don’t know why I did that.
I’ve started drinking again, hardly eating. I can’t eat. I get up make food but can only manage a couple of mouthfuls. I sit and watch a movie yet halfway through i realize i have no idea what’s happening. I can’t concentrate, i can’t follow anything. i can’t sleep, though i pretend that i do. I might drift off for an hour but then i will wake. I don’t feel safe sleeping now. I don’t know..
I can’t have a normal conversation with someone. I drift off and forget what i’m saying.
I forget to shower as normal (i have slightobsession  with showering like 2 times a day).

I sit here in my apartment not knowing what to do next.
I listen to Florence on repeat, i look at words online in the hope that i find some words to help me but i can’t focus.. and no matter how bad i’ve been before, words ALWAYS helped me. Always. I don’t understand this.

My head hurts. Bleeds. Cries. Screams.
What the fuck is happening to me?

It’s taken me over 2 hours to just type this and i don’t want people to read this,  i just.. i wanted to get this out. 

 To say my piece.