All clacked out 

Tell me to keep going one more time

Because you think I can do it
Tell me everything is possible
As long as I want it bad enough
Oh, but don’t you know
Sometimes the pain is too much

And I’ve no more stamina

My endurance is pushed to its limits
And I can’t keep going.

 Where are you then

Where are you then
When I’m on my knees
I’ve given in
Where are you then
Where are you then

 Take these pills

It will get better

Keep going
You’re made of strength
Oh, but don’t you know
Determination only goes so far
When the demons come out to play
And don’t you know, oh, don’t you know
They know where my darkest fears reside
Where are you then
Where are you then
When the world attacks and my cave crashes in
Where are you then
Where are you then
When I’ve given in
Keep your blue stripes
Keep your rainbow ribbons
I’ve got no more stamina
Endurance pushed to the limits
It’s time to simply..

STOP!
*to think I wrote this on a “good” day. Not everyday can be cake and ice cream days. Sometimes you’ve got to just let the storm rage and make it through. Not that it’s raging for me currently but somewhere someone’s storm is hurricaning through them. (Yes, I made that a verb.) This is what it feels like for me when I just can’t take anymore “helpful” consolation, even though I know they mean well.
 
STOP!

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A letter that Ill never send.

For all the conversations we had, I realize now you never really answered my questions.

When I woke up that night, had no idea where I was or who you were yet i was as calm as can be, you asked me “why I wasn’t scared” & I replied “nothing can hurt me now” you stared at me for a very long time before you said another word. I still to this day wonder what you thought in that moment and why you decided I was your “one”.

What about me piqued your interest or made you feel I was suitable for the role you were looking to fill? Was it my messy state? The fact that I owed you? Was it my blatant disregard for my safety ? Or was it because you knew I had no one that would worry?

I wish you’d told me.

I look back on the beginning and how nice you were to me. So kind full of compliments making me feel like I was needed and it meant so much to me. How did I not know it was a game ?
It became natural for me to want to please you to make you proud of me, to show you how thankful I was.. but was it truly natural for me to transform into a robot? An object, an unfeeling stone.. For you to pour your rage and dislike in to..

I did everything you asked, and more. I let you push me past my absolute limits and break me into a thousand pieces time and time again. I took the pain, the humiliation and degradation. I took it all. Then you picked me back up and “lovingly” praised me , bathed me, soothed my aching body putting me back together only to do it all over again.

That day when I watched you watch me with that man, the anger flashing in your eyes betrayed your calm exterior, and I couldn’t understand why when it was your doing. Afterwards when you would make me yours again all I could feel was relief. You still wanted me. You still needed me to be yours. I had pleased you and that was the best feeling – better than any other high. I loved it!

That day was the day I gave myself completely over to you.
I turned off the switch that made me have my own thoughts and feelings and I forgot about Rosie.

Fast forward 2 years 8 months later You stood in front of me, told me I was free.

Free.

I was going to be okay and I was a great girl with great qualities great great great. You kept saying great.
When I dropped to my knees & I looked up at you straight in the eyes all desperate and frightened but you couldn’t look at me.

You walked away.

A letter with instructions to follow, a key to somewhere to stay and a goodbye Rosie, love John.

Rosie.. I wasn’t Rosie! I was your Sub! Your toy, your pet, I was yours. And John? Who the fuck is John!
Sir..

How could you do this to me?

Even toys need to be looked after.

Was it all a game ? Did I imagine the desperation in you when you had to make me yours after him? Did I imagine the contentment in you as I lay at your feet? Did I imagine the love you showered me with when you’d bathe me and tuck me in bed after a breaking session?  Did I imagine your pride when you’d take me out in my collar dressed by you? Did I imagine how you’d hold me so lovingly while I was coming down from sub space?

Maybe I did.

I know I’ll never get the answers or the understanding I need from you. I wish you knew how I’m suffering still so many months later. How useless and lost I feel.. I can’t stand another second of it. It only stops when I meet “that man” and be of use.

I wish it would stop forever.

Despite everything,  I hope you’re happy Sir and not living a lie. You are who you are and that’s okay, remember that.
x

It is what it is.

I feel so, so…..strange?I honestly do not know how else to describe it. I don’t recognize myself lately.

My thoughts are so conflicting, so confusing, so unreal and real at the same time, so senseless yet they make make perfect sense, so bad but so good..
I don’t understand this.

I think and i think and i think until it gets to the point where i lose all sense of reality. Several times recently i have found myself remembering things that i know have never happened. I can sit and stare into space for an hour or more and not realize it.

Last week, i took a lighter to my wrist and burned it.. yet i swear to God i didn’t feel anything for about 5 minutes later. I was that lost in thought and numbed and… i don’t know. I don’t know why I did that.
I’ve started drinking again, hardly eating. I can’t eat. I get up make food but can only manage a couple of mouthfuls. I sit and watch a movie yet halfway through i realize i have no idea what’s happening. I can’t concentrate, i can’t follow anything. i can’t sleep, though i pretend that i do. I might drift off for an hour but then i will wake. I don’t feel safe sleeping now. I don’t know..
I can’t have a normal conversation with someone. I drift off and forget what i’m saying.
I forget to shower as normal (i have slightobsession  with showering like 2 times a day).

I sit here in my apartment not knowing what to do next.
I listen to Florence on repeat, i look at words online in the hope that i find some words to help me but i can’t focus.. and no matter how bad i’ve been before, words ALWAYS helped me. Always. I don’t understand this.

My head hurts. Bleeds. Cries. Screams.
What the fuck is happening to me?

It’s taken me over 2 hours to just type this and i don’t want people to read this,  i just.. i wanted to get this out. 

 To say my piece.

Drink it all away

When life gets me down
I don’t know where to go

Who I belong to

Where I belong
Why I am here.
When everything
No matter how small
Gets me down.
When sometimes
I feel so small
So useless
So irrelevant
That I don’t even know
Who I am anymore.
I get so drunk
I don’t remember
Who I am
Or care
Where I belong.
It’s the bottle
Of forgetting
I’m always chasing.

Him.

For what it’s worth…?
I really did think you hung the moon and stars in the sky
I thought you were the sun itself
So bright, so brilliant

Oh yes
You blinded me
And how my world danced
In circles around you
Revolving…revolting
Rotating…decaying
Every beat of my heart
(You slew)
Every waking moment
(You tormented)
All yours
(Look at what you stole)
But you didn’t care
(No, you never did)
And it was never enough

(So just keep on taking…till all that’s left is nothing)
I’m just one of those people
Forgettable

Vanishing like a ghost
Or a dream you can’t recall
I leave no trace of my existence
Easy to ignore

Easy to deny
But you
You’re like a scar
A deep wound that heals on the surface
But HURTS forever within
You cut to the bone
You leave footprints all over me
From steel-toed combat boots
Bloody marks

All across the heart
Marring the soul itself
You taint
You twist

You tore me from limb to limb
No mercy
You, the drug
You, the puppet master
You, the blade
You, the poison
You, the intoxication
You…
You’ve finished me off.

Dying to survive 

It’s a season of death, of barrenness and destruction.

It’s a time for endings…for closing the doors on the past…for walking away and shedding tears…and saying goodbye…

You cannot escape it, this starving time.

You cannot trick it away or soothe it into compliance. It is ravenous. It will binge and it will glut and it will eat away at everything you ever had, ever were, the very core of your existence and it will leave you with NOTHING…not even a path of crumbs to follow home.

You cannot give it up.

All you can do…is give in.

Open your arms to emptiness. Open your heart to the void. Fall completely into darkness…and keep falling…
Until at last you feel like you’re flying.
Weightless.
Guiltless.
Innocent and free, as you were meant to be.

It’s a season of loneliness. Of asking yourself why.

Remember that the questions are more important than the answers.

Remember that YOU are all you need.
It is the season…and like all seasons, it too shall pass.
And there will be spring again.

There will be renewal, rebirth, and you will rise from the ashes.

Maybe not in this same body, this same form…but you were promised an eternal essence, not an eternal life. Eternal love.

Eternal memory. Eternal BEING…in whatever form that may take…

For it is in dying that we truly learn what it means to live.

Stealing lives 

Sometimes you run into someone
That has a moment or months to spare

So they drag you into their world

Get you involved in their life
Wave their arms
Scream if they have to
To get your attention off your life
And on to theirs.
Sometimes that life is a lie
Their entire existence is a lie;
Your naivety is their joke
They tell their friends
At parties.
You give them chances
Because nobody ever gave you one.
They feed off your hope
They rape your faith
While you sit with nothing.
Hanging on
For dear life

To absolutely nothing.

Maybe people try to warn you;
They beg you to see the truth
But you want to believe
Because you’ve never believed before.
You want it to be real
Because you’ve never had anything
Real
Before.
When you finally peel yourself from it
Turn around and look at the monster
That tried so very hard
To steal your life
You regret
Believing
Loving
Hoping
And vow to never do that again.

 

Hung

I’ve been here
Well…
Here and there
But mostly here
And I am tired
Monsters chase
Demons follow
Consistent bellows
From the gallows
Sheeted ghosts
Worn out
Torn holes
Becoming rips
Leaving me here
Trying to decide
If I should continue
Not just here
But there as well
Some days
I am the sheeted ghost
Hanging from the gallows
Hung by my own
Self worth
And there I rest
Because although
I am tired
Because although
I am worn out
I continue on
And I remain
Somehow.