Between life and death

again and again on my knees

broken by those who should help me stand

not sad nor happy in this life

forgotten

 

fallen

 

and getting up

again

again and again

every time

after every fall

more determined to keep standing

more desperate to avoid another

fall

 

depression doesn´t hurt

it´s beyond limits of sadness

beyond any other feeling known by mam

 

why?

being alive is too hard

there are easier ways around

 

why to stand up after fall?

 

standing

stubbornly holding on worthless things

patiently crying when no one hears

broken pieces glued together

by what?

 

life

 

effort testing limits of strength

buying time to find more will

forgetting to smile

what did it feel like

for the last time?

 

and again

 

falling

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Dying to survive 

It’s a season of death, of barrenness and destruction.

It’s a time for endings…for closing the doors on the past…for walking away and shedding tears…and saying goodbye…

You cannot escape it, this starving time.

You cannot trick it away or soothe it into compliance. It is ravenous. It will binge and it will glut and it will eat away at everything you ever had, ever were, the very core of your existence and it will leave you with NOTHING…not even a path of crumbs to follow home.

You cannot give it up.

All you can do…is give in.

Open your arms to emptiness. Open your heart to the void. Fall completely into darkness…and keep falling…
Until at last you feel like you’re flying.
Weightless.
Guiltless.
Innocent and free, as you were meant to be.

It’s a season of loneliness. Of asking yourself why.

Remember that the questions are more important than the answers.

Remember that YOU are all you need.
It is the season…and like all seasons, it too shall pass.
And there will be spring again.

There will be renewal, rebirth, and you will rise from the ashes.

Maybe not in this same body, this same form…but you were promised an eternal essence, not an eternal life. Eternal love.

Eternal memory. Eternal BEING…in whatever form that may take…

For it is in dying that we truly learn what it means to live.

Anxiety

There is a freight train inside my ribcage
And it pounds at the walls
Shredding my dignity to pieces
This anxiety is scratching the chalk boards
Peeling away at the rooftops
It never leaves me alone
I am left with spider webs on my tongue
One bullet for one mind
A one way ticket to the unknown
Tonight I pray to a God I don’t know I believe in
For some type of relief
To help my soul from melting.

Self oppression

once, i dreamed

everyone was bound by

invisible chains.

no one could see them but i.

some were bound by doubt;

others, anxiety; still others, fear.

the chains wrapped around the soul, then extended

and dragged

on the ground.

(though i did notice that some were unchained –

they were very few, and tended to create things.

there was fire in their eyes.)

even invisible chains make noise

(or so i thought – everyone either couldn’t hear them or pretended

not to).

the chains dragged and clanked

making the most terrible racket

and the noise was deafening –

then i awoke to find

it was never really a dream

at all.

Sorrow

I’m lost in the emptiness of my sorrow,
   I feel nothing but the pain.

I’ve been broken down into nothing,
       I’ve got nothing to keep on going for.

My soul is suffocating;
Crying and screaming behind my tightly locked lips.
{I wont let her speak}

She bleeds black ink onto bright white pages,
Begging for someone to see behind the excuse.
           {No one ever does}

I’m hurting,
Yet if you ask me how I am,
I promise to lie.
    {I’m fine}

I’m learning how to deal with this suffering,
I’m fine with being e m p t y ,
I’m okay with dying.
{As long as it’s all over soon}

There’s nothing around me,
It’s the a b s e n c e of everything.

I’m a l o n e.
There’s n o t h i n g left of me.

Your words mean nothing to me,
I’ve lost my will to care.
{After all, it has only brought me pain}

Leave me,
Let me drown in my s o r r o w.
{Maybe then I might get some peace}

I don’t wanna try anymore,
The pain is too intense,
And breathing is just too hard.
{Inhale; Exhale; Inhale; Exhale; Inhale; Exhale;}

I’m going to close my eyes,
Count to t e n,
And maybe then,

Once all the different pills kick in,
I might just be able to get a w a y,

I amight even get to die today.

Relentless

I can’t help it.

The swirl of this insanity.

These stupid emotions.

Irrational and unwanted.

But I can’t leave them.

Try as I might,They follow me.

The storm cloud above me.

Constantly following,And constantly reminding.

No peace, no rest.

A constant swirl of emotions.

Jealousy,

Anger,

Hurt,

Sadness,

Loneliness,

Nostalgia,

Helplessness.

They won’t leave me alone.

The storm cloud above me.

Constantly raining down,Soaking me in this sadness.

Alone.

No sun to dry the rain.

Nothing to dispel this cloud.

Sickness,

Worry,

Anxiousness,

Despair,

Disappointment.

Ever worsening.

Never relenting.

Constant torture.

This Hell I’ve created.

Made by me for me.

Alone to handle the burden.

No escape.

No way out.

Alone.

Naked and stripped bare to my organs.

There is nothing I can say, safely.there are changes and motions and stillness

that have left me naked and stripped to my bare organs;

the heart being the evident one.

what can I do now with this?

dress myself up? 

keep all hope down?

there is no home yet. no place, no heartbeat, no whisper.

I have buried this many times,

it resurfaces as if it was a gore tale.

It comes out, almost shining its light

to face my own little darkness.

I hate that I love. 

yet I live because of it.

I re-member, and arrange and continue,

awake, barely.

trying to weigh my feet down I find myself,

after all these years.

No more an angel I wish to be;

but I still wonder, I still look at the sky.

You know? I still write, how ironic.

I still am who I was, 

but less. much less. 

and with it I have not become more.

I use the word I still. 

(is it even considered a word?)

I battle my thoughts with your logic.

I silence my own naive narrative,

because,

well,

who knows why I am even allowing it.

I question my intention every step of every way,

even though I have no way.

Lost as it were, moving slowly,

in rhythm with the desire of not wanting more distance.

I died. I did die.

Just like love I still try to resurface.

Every so often I smile. bot not for long.

not an adult smile.

because there is no real reason to.

not with a broken heart. 

a heart that should be empty by now. 

but it is full,

of you.

And I carry that weight, that life that never happened.

That night, that day, that phrase, that word, that whisper,

that imagined touch,

I re-live it to live.

I have yet to get sick of it. 

at least as much as it got sick of me.

 

How ?

How do you forget something that’s so integrated into yourself? 

How do you rip the memories from your flesh without bleeding? 

How do I tear out the emotions without killing that small piece of myself?

 I’m burning for an answer, but I always end up with more questions.