Between life and death

again and again on my knees

broken by those who should help me stand

not sad nor happy in this life

forgotten

 

fallen

 

and getting up

again

again and again

every time

after every fall

more determined to keep standing

more desperate to avoid another

fall

 

depression doesn´t hurt

it´s beyond limits of sadness

beyond any other feeling known by mam

 

why?

being alive is too hard

there are easier ways around

 

why to stand up after fall?

 

standing

stubbornly holding on worthless things

patiently crying when no one hears

broken pieces glued together

by what?

 

life

 

effort testing limits of strength

buying time to find more will

forgetting to smile

what did it feel like

for the last time?

 

and again

 

falling

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Dying to survive 

It’s a season of death, of barrenness and destruction.

It’s a time for endings…for closing the doors on the past…for walking away and shedding tears…and saying goodbye…

You cannot escape it, this starving time.

You cannot trick it away or soothe it into compliance. It is ravenous. It will binge and it will glut and it will eat away at everything you ever had, ever were, the very core of your existence and it will leave you with NOTHING…not even a path of crumbs to follow home.

You cannot give it up.

All you can do…is give in.

Open your arms to emptiness. Open your heart to the void. Fall completely into darkness…and keep falling…
Until at last you feel like you’re flying.
Weightless.
Guiltless.
Innocent and free, as you were meant to be.

It’s a season of loneliness. Of asking yourself why.

Remember that the questions are more important than the answers.

Remember that YOU are all you need.
It is the season…and like all seasons, it too shall pass.
And there will be spring again.

There will be renewal, rebirth, and you will rise from the ashes.

Maybe not in this same body, this same form…but you were promised an eternal essence, not an eternal life. Eternal love.

Eternal memory. Eternal BEING…in whatever form that may take…

For it is in dying that we truly learn what it means to live.

Untitled.

My breaths are shallow 
& i swallow the whimpers like
Water; too hastily, as if i’d been trapped in a desert all year
But you asked me to keep breathing
& we both know i want to do just that
It’s just sometimes 
What i have to do to survive, is too damaging too.

For she was a sinner.

Angels eat her alive,
the way she deserves:
molting downy feathers
in a hermetic esophagus—

like her lungs,
pooled with words
untouched 
in stillness.

She is choked by halos,
and expecting expansions
spanning clouds and Niles
of rosemary tears

( yet no ocean cried,
and no tsunami felt,
will rid the torture justified
in each holy touch upon 
soiled cheeks: wet liars runoff.

It falls so easily down her throat,
to drown more words. )

and she almost warns them 
to stay away: She is filth.
but they lovingly caress
and they carefully sink
their glittering pearls into her
calling …

just the way she deserves.

Forgetting.

I’m pinned to the wall collecting dead skin cells from all the lovers you’ve pressed up against me.

I’m pinned to your forehead like a note your mother leaves when you take a nap.

I’m pinned to the door, swinging aimlessly in an abandoned house that’s going to fall apart soon.

I’m pinned to your lips, as they kiss the back of her hand.

I’m pinned to all these beautiful dreams of yours, that are sitting in a forgotten old cabinet in your study.

I’m pinned to every place you’ve been: Spain, Russia, France. Here.

I’m pinned to the underside of the coffee table you put your feet on while you watch TV.

I’m pinned to the insecurities you think about when you’re alone.

I’m pinned to that relationship you know you should fix, but don’t.

I’m pinned to your chest, like the girl in your bed last night was.

I’m pinned to the drops of sweat running down your neck, cold and distracting.

I’m pinned to all the lies you hate yourself for telling.

I’m pinned to your breath, your lungs, your throat, the top of your mouth.

I’m pinned to the music playing as you sleep.

I’m pinned to the moment when you think of me, and then push me away to the back of your mind.

Anxiety

There is a freight train inside my ribcage
And it pounds at the walls
Shredding my dignity to pieces
This anxiety is scratching the chalk boards
Peeling away at the rooftops
It never leaves me alone
I am left with spider webs on my tongue
One bullet for one mind
A one way ticket to the unknown
Tonight I pray to a God I don’t know I believe in
For some type of relief
To help my soul from melting.

Self oppression

once, i dreamed

everyone was bound by

invisible chains.

no one could see them but i.

some were bound by doubt;

others, anxiety; still others, fear.

the chains wrapped around the soul, then extended

and dragged

on the ground.

(though i did notice that some were unchained –

they were very few, and tended to create things.

there was fire in their eyes.)

even invisible chains make noise

(or so i thought – everyone either couldn’t hear them or pretended

not to).

the chains dragged and clanked

making the most terrible racket

and the noise was deafening –

then i awoke to find

it was never really a dream

at all.

Sorrow

I’m lost in the emptiness of my sorrow,
   I feel nothing but the pain.

I’ve been broken down into nothing,
       I’ve got nothing to keep on going for.

My soul is suffocating;
Crying and screaming behind my tightly locked lips.
{I wont let her speak}

She bleeds black ink onto bright white pages,
Begging for someone to see behind the excuse.
           {No one ever does}

I’m hurting,
Yet if you ask me how I am,
I promise to lie.
    {I’m fine}

I’m learning how to deal with this suffering,
I’m fine with being e m p t y ,
I’m okay with dying.
{As long as it’s all over soon}

There’s nothing around me,
It’s the a b s e n c e of everything.

I’m a l o n e.
There’s n o t h i n g left of me.

Your words mean nothing to me,
I’ve lost my will to care.
{After all, it has only brought me pain}

Leave me,
Let me drown in my s o r r o w.
{Maybe then I might get some peace}

I don’t wanna try anymore,
The pain is too intense,
And breathing is just too hard.
{Inhale; Exhale; Inhale; Exhale; Inhale; Exhale;}

I’m going to close my eyes,
Count to t e n,
And maybe then,

Once all the different pills kick in,
I might just be able to get a w a y,

I amight even get to die today.

Relentless

I can’t help it.

The swirl of this insanity.

These stupid emotions.

Irrational and unwanted.

But I can’t leave them.

Try as I might,They follow me.

The storm cloud above me.

Constantly following,And constantly reminding.

No peace, no rest.

A constant swirl of emotions.

Jealousy,

Anger,

Hurt,

Sadness,

Loneliness,

Nostalgia,

Helplessness.

They won’t leave me alone.

The storm cloud above me.

Constantly raining down,Soaking me in this sadness.

Alone.

No sun to dry the rain.

Nothing to dispel this cloud.

Sickness,

Worry,

Anxiousness,

Despair,

Disappointment.

Ever worsening.

Never relenting.

Constant torture.

This Hell I’ve created.

Made by me for me.

Alone to handle the burden.

No escape.

No way out.

Alone.